Don’t even entertain the idea of hiding. There is no bunker strong enough to shelter you from the contemptuous tweens. Face the music like the liar that you are. You had your fun. Now, you will have to deal with the aftermath of your lies and deceit.
Take heed of these warnings that follow, and Godspeed.
They will not forgive you — Ever.
It’s bad enough that their bodies are stretching in all directions and that their faces are increasingly covered in oil with explosive dots sometimes referred to as pimples. But, they have now discovered that the jolly man in a red suit who’s been watching them as they sleep is yet another creepy idea concocted by their evil overlords.
You, the parents, lied to them. Your demise is inevitable.
There will be tears.
Whether they begin crying quietly in a cold, dark corner of an alleyway or in the wide-open space of an abandoned schoolyard after being bullied by a group of cynical teenagers who find it a revolutionary act to spread the truth, your innocent victims will cry. Some will open their mouths and scream while they do it. Others will whimper. You might be able to catch a glimpse of tears trickling down their cheeks while their bottom lips tremble.
They will be angry.
The intense glare beneath their furrowed brow that you often see worn on the faces of older children will now belong to your children. It will only disappear for fragments of time when they forget who they are while eating something loaded with sugar.
They will seek revenge.
Right when you think you’ve gotten used to their incessant glare, they will begin the ritual of revenge. It will start with painful sarcasm. “What a delightful sound your voice makes when you start to freak out,” he will say as he smirks. Then, he will toss his hair from over his eye in slow motion to remind you that he’s young and cool, and you are not.
You are not alone.
Parents like you are everywhere. You’ll recognize them by their slightly hunched upper backs and the forgotten coffee stain somewhere on a shirt or pant leg.
Temporary solutions might help.
Do NOT stare directly into the tween eyes. They will pull you in to their abyss, holding you hostage for hours at a time.
Give them and yourself sugar.
Lots of sugar. Yes, future dental visits will reveal some cavities but the relief is often necessary.
The presents don’t have to be expensive. They just need to be wrapped, so your tween can tear them apart. Your present will be less hate in their eyes directed toward you.
Secretly meet another parent at a football game or the mall. Make contact by telling a bad joke or dropping something then patiently waiting for the other parent to reluctantly pick it up.
Parents of tweens only talk to others who seem as sorry as themselves. Create support groups by accidentally returning to the same meeting place and repeating the same introduction.
If all else fails, indulge in a bottle of wine or a case of beer, and binge-watch your favorite shows on Netflix or whatever streaming platform you own.
Disclaimer: The temporary solutions may trigger a deluge of tears and fury from your disillusioned spawn.