Humor | Parenting | Satire
The 30-Day Whole Toddler Challenge
It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Consume as many raw fruits and vegetables per day as you have an appetite for. Zero is the optimal number of servings, but one is also fine if whipped cream/ketchup is involved.
Fast for at least six hours during the day, especially if your parents are using the stove and chopping things. You’re not hungry. Repeat this out loud until a grown-up starts to cry.
Focus on consuming at least twelve servings of processed carbohydrates per day. Pirates’ Booty, Goldfish, Nutter Butters, Ritz Crackers, Cheddar Rockets, Dunkaroos, Pringles, Graham Cracker Bears… all ideal. Anything organic and/or with “veggie” in the title (straws, sticks, spirals) does not meet this requirement.
Sugar.
If you’re feeling hungry between meals, try putting some food in your mouth and letting it sit there until it dissolves. Spit it onto your carpet when you’re finished. This eradicates virtually all cravings (bonus: it’s fun).
Mac-and-cheese.
Exercise is just as important as diet, unless it’s a Wednesday and your legs are tired and you can’t find your Paw Patrol light-up shoes. Your body, your rules.
