The 8 Best Things to Get Your Wife This Pandemic Mother’s Day!!
It’s been a long year…don’t drop the ball on this one
The mother of your children deserves something really extraordinary this Mother’s Day. Something that says, “Honey, I know in the past fourteen months you’ve lost your job, your sense of self, and your sanity, in the name of caring for our children, but you should know that we appreciate you…today.”
For the mom who has everything, consider:
A Throw Pillow: Show her she’s your special lady by getting her a decorative pillow! Throw pillows are a wonderful way to add flair to any room. They can also be used to chuck at whiny children and to bury her head in and scream as a healthy alternative to homicide, as suggested by the free therapist she follows on Instagram. Personalize it with a screen-printed family picture (dear God, make sure she’s in it and that her eyes are open and only one chin is showing and- you know what, ask her sister to send you the right picture- she’ll know), a drawing made by your kids, or perhaps lyrics from her favorite love song from her youth, “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd.
A Pearl Necklace: Nothing beats a classic pearl necklace. We’re obviously talking actual gemstones here, Bucko. Stop smirking. A pearl is made when an irritant gets trapped inside an oyster for an extended period of time and forms a gooey coating, which eventually hardens into a pearl. When the pearl comes out of the shell, everyone oohs and ahhs about it, totally forgetting about the poor oyster. Your wife will find this relatable. Give her a string of mucous mollusk stones to show her you care!
A Tea Party: The pandemic has taken so much from your wife, but Tuesday night drinks with the girls is what she misses most. Since she can’t get margaritas with Claire at Señor Amphibians right now, you and the kids can throw a tea party at home instead! Just as good! Use your kid’s tea set and have them help you make a whole spread of treats! Train then to nod and say, “Hmmm-mmm, you’re not wrong there, girl” and “You DESERVE to be fully seen and appreciated” a lot. When you’re done, she won’t mind tidying up, since the cups and saucers are tiny.
Bath Salts: A basket full of Lemon-Lavender scented bath salts makes a lovely gift! Or, if you really want to surprise her with something unique, choose the ‘unregulated psychoactive mind-altering substances with no legitimate medical use’ kind of bath salts! Cleaning up after your filth monsters will go WAY faster with those on board.
Mother’s Day Coupons: Hand-made and heart-felt, these coupons keep the love coming all year long! Make coupons for breakfast in bed, a foot massage, or even better, make some that are good for you all taking care of yourselves without involving your wife at all; showering without melting down, brushing their teeth without first hiding in the garage, or going to bed without any goddamn negotiations! Your kids doing basic human maintenance on themselves WITHOUT her having to nag, beg, or threaten will surely bring tears to her eyes, and might even clear up that chronic rage-twitch she’s developed!
A Locket: Moms are like fish; they love shiny things! Your kids’ pictures inside a locket will keep them close to her heart! Have it engraved with something that reminds her of them, like, “Mom, I need a snack” or “Why do your arms jiggle like that, mom?” Make sure the locket is large enough for her to keep a single dose of poison, just in case.
Personal Protective Equipment: Buy your wife a cute face mask! Or even better, get her an entire HAZMAT suit. That way, she’ll avoid germs, your kids’ sticky fingers, and any sexual advances from you that might result in more of them. It’ll be her own little oasis just for her!
Me-Time: What your wife really wants most is time to herself. The best thing you can do is go away. Take your children with you. Go away to a different house where your wife is not. Stay there for at least six weeks. When you return, she’ll be totally refreshed! Actually, better make it eight weeks.
Lastly, don’t forget to order your own mom something for Mother’s Day, too! You taking the initiative on that and not counting on your wife can be ANOTHER coupon you give your wife! Just ignore her muttering and head-shaking when she opens it, she’s actually super grateful.
