The Momfluencers Cancel the Virgin Mary: A Litany of Mommy-Shaming
We, the aforementioned Momfluencers, known for our carefully-curated IG reels, family TikTok dances that we totally DID NOT force our children to do, horde of well-behaved blonde children who ONLY play outside and NEVER have screen time, have noticed that a so-called Virgin has been amassing a veritable cult following over the last two millennia. First, she gained followers on papyrus, then parchment with funky Gothic fonts, and then on paper. She may look holier-than-thou in her church frescoes, but we cannot stand silent anymore. The Virgin Mary has broken the following Momfluencer Commandments:
- Thou Shalt know the father of thy child: I’m sorry, is it God or is it Joseph? Get a paternity test! And if it’s Joseph, that age gap is too much. He looks like he’s always falling asleep — how will he manage those middle-of-the-night bottle feedings? Oh wait, that brings us to our next grave sin.
- Thou Shalt not promote exclusive breastfeeding-only. We embrace all ways to feed our baby, including formula, pumping, and other hybrid combos. But Mary’s “breast is best” oil paintings are just insensitive. How can step-daddy Joseph ever expect to bond with the Holy Child?
- Thou Shalt not post repetitive content. How many Christmas cards can we possibly get of Mary just standing over Jesus? Have you ever considered a picture of the Holy Family dressed up in the woods (even though you live in the suburbs) or wearing white shirts and jeans on the sandy shores of the Jordan River?
- Thou Shalt not promote gender color stereotypes. Enough with wearing royal blue every day while holding your baby boy: too matchy-matchy. Beige is the new gender-neutral color.
- Thou Shalt not give your child more than two middle names. Where does she get off calling Jesus the Messiah? And Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, AND The Prince of Peace? Yes, my child’s name is Capri Lyra Ariel Canister Rhodes. Why do you ask?
- Thou Shalt not set unrealistic expectations on birthday presents. Sure, her son gets gold, frankincense, and myrrh from three supposed Wise Men, but our kids have to settle for four copies of Goodnight Moon, three Sophie the Giraffes, and ten diaper cakes.
- Thou Shalt Not slut shame. Her insistence on abstinence-only sex education borders on dogmatic. Don’t even get us started on the Immaculate Conception (shhh, no one even knows what that really is).
- Thou Shalt Not Mandate Circumcision. Even the Son of God should exercise consent and bodily autonomy.
- Thou Shalt Not Keep Barnyard Animals Around an Infant. The CDC recommends keeping germ-infested animals away from infants. Instead, Mary insists on keeping a donkey, sheep, and cow around her baby. She doesn’t even keep Wet Wipes and Purell around — he’s bound to get more colds his first year than he would in daycare.
- Thou Shalt Not Travel with a Newborn. It’s not safe to travel with a baby, even when on exile to Egypt from King Herod who is actively trying to kill your baby.
- Thou Shalt Not Be a Free-Range Mom. We all want our children to discover their independence, but Mary lost Jesus in Jerusalem when he was 12. It took her three full days to find him in the Temple, and then he sassed her for not knowing where he was. The mouth on that kid!
- Thou Shalt Not Force Your Son to Go into the Family Business. Why did Jesus have to become a carpenter just like his stepdad, Joseph? Maybe if Mary had more sensory bags and fewer water tables, he wouldn’t have tried walking on water.
- Thou Shalt Not be a Wine Mom. At the Wedding at Cana, Mary said to Jesus, “They have no wine.” We all like our nightly chardonnay, but calling it out at a wedding is poor form.
We regret that this supposed Virgin Mother can no longer belong to our community, but her behavior is purely toxic. Unlike Our Lady of Perpetual Hypocrisy, we don’t do rosaries (too superstitious). But you can use our code MOMLIFE to order a new set of crystals for rejuvenation. Just set your intention holding your Dead Sea Salt Crystals, and you’ll find the intercession to be heavenly.
