The Reason There’s Such a Chill Dad Vibe Around Here Is Mom’s Away
Yep. She and her lady friends are off to wine country. So it’s just you kids and me. The entire week. It’s gonna be reeaaal mellow. All day, e’ry day. Because dad time is chill time. There’s no pressure to do anything. What, the sink is already full of dishes? So quickly? We’ve had one breakfast. But…not to worry. I got a handle on the dishes for the next 6 days, 8 hours, 14 minutes, and 45 seconds. I’m just estimating that last part.
Life’s happy-go-lucky when dad’s got the conn. I don’t care what you do. Take your vitamins, don’t take your vitamins. Either way is cool by me. No worries up in this joint. Temporarily. But you should really take them because mom knows the count in those bottles and she’ll pour them out and check when she gets home.
You want to hit GameWorks today? Sure. It’s been a while, so let’s get our arcade on. Whatever, whenever, dad always says. This week only. You need to bring a friend? Totally. Keep in mind the last time it cost me $145 to keep three kids entertained for an hour-and-a-half, not a great ROI. And that was pre-Covid pricing. Ah, what the H-E-double toothpicks. Get your shoes. I’ll grab my Amex black.
You want your iPads instead? I guess we can stretch “screen time” a bit. You do you, and I’ll do dad. It’s all good. You were just on your computers, though. So, technically, you’ve already had extra screen time. And before that you watched three episodes of The Amazing World of Gumball on Xfinity. And played Just Dance on Xbox. I know all those screens aren’t exactly the same, but they kinda are. Sure, Just Dance counts as exercise. I mean is exercise. Is. Go ahead and have 30 minutes while I fill this wine carafe with scotch.
Maybe we should go out for dinner tonight. Someplace mommy wouldn’t even think to take you. A borscht place. Or we could try Ethiopian injera. Oh, I know, let’s get ebelskivers! What? Yeah, I’ll make sure they have chicken strips. Just two strips, not three. Got it. Do you both want chicken then? No, sorry, you want butter noodles. Yes, you always get butter noodles when we go out. I do remember. Screw it, let’s just go to Yogurtland. It’s closer. But only 4 toppings each. Okay, 12.
You gotta love all this sunshine. Let’s walk the dog. No, you don’t have to. Yeah, I did say we’d chill. But we can chill while outside the house with the dog. Okay, we’re going. Now. Off the iPads. I didn’t even see you get back on them. And I only looked away for a yoctosecond. Plus, they were hidden. On the refrigerator. In a padlocked Yeti Tundra. Surrounded by razor mesh nail-gunned to the ceiling so you couldn’t climb through the gap.
See, walking the dog is fun! Oh, she’s pooping. Yes, it’s her second time so far. And I forgot to grab an extra bag which mom never forgets to do. I hear you. Simple fix, though. I’ll just untie the warm “stock” I’ve been carrying, drop the old onto the new, then re-pick up the whole dealio. Easy peasy. Then we’ll go home and make a bonfire with my clothes, hat, and watch. I’ll also have a quick 40-minute steel wool shower while you guys get S’more stuff ready.
Shoot no you don’t have to take a bath! Baths are overrated. Europeans bathe 55 fewer times a year than Americans on average. Except you didn’t bathe last night either. And you rolled on the turf area at the dog park. That’s why I made you sit on old newspapers in the car. And not lean back in the seat.
You want to FaceTime mommy? She’d love that. Oh, right now. At 10:45 pm. Not sure she’ll still be up, is the thing. She’ll be tired after a hard day at the spa. And filling boxes with Russian River Brut. I totally want you to, though. Maybe put down that gigantic, year-old, duty-free Toblerone first. And that lit candle. You know what? Let’s just wait until morning. She’ll be so excited to hear from you. In the morning.
You still want to talk to mommy. Okay. We can give her the “chill” report. Catch her up on the great vibe around here. Sure, you can also tell her you miss her. Maybe she can change her flight if you really want to see her sooner. Maybe even come home today. Doesn’t hurt to ask.
