The Sweet Sixteen Illnesses Your Child Brought Home This Winter

The sixteen remaining NCAA Basketball Tournament teams, as described by the now-familiar maladies your child picked up at daycare

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Houston (1) — The Cougars, like RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus), are coasting after an unprecedented and much-hyped early-season surge. Their march through the first two rounds (and your household) was inevitable.

UCLA (2) — There’s a lot of hype surrounding the Bruins and Influenza every year. In seasons past, a proactive defense was usually enough to neutralize them. Not this year, of course.

Michigan State (7) — As with Strep Throat, a potentially unpleasant test awaits Sparty. You already know that the result will be positive.

Alabama (1) — You can think of the Tide as the Pertussis of this year’s tournament. Bama fans have made plenty of annoying, high-pitched whooping sounds, but don’t be surprised if it ends with vomiting.

Creighton (6) — Croup was the one where your child, seemingly possessed by a demonic sea lion, barked the word “Creighton” for five days straight.

Tennesee (4) — The Volunteers, like the Unexplained Diarrhea and Vomiting your child experienced just before your February…