Parenting | Humor

These Are the Reasons I, Your 5-Year-Old, Will Throw Things at You

And what you, my parent, can do to make better choices

Photo by Gabriel Tovar via Unsplash.

I am a shining beacon of patience, but I am but a mere mortal, and you, my parent, are trying me. Trying me beyond what I could possibly be expected to bear.

Self-help and parent behavior guides have taught me that I must set clear boundaries with you. Doing this will help you understand what you are responsible for and what I am responsible for.

Below is a list of behaviors that cross my boundaries. If you choose to practice these behaviors, you will have to experience the consequences. And that consequence is I will throw something at you and scream at you so that you can live with the full weight of what you have done.

Without further ado, here is a non-exhaustive list of the reasons I will throw things at you.

1. I’m done playing with this toy.
2. I’m hungry.
3. The grapes are too soft.
4. The grapes are the wrong color.
5. The grapes are the wrong fruit.
6. I do not want fruit.
7. I can’t possibly eat the chicken nuggets I asked you to make five minutes ago.
8. The milk is in the wrong cup.
9. The milk is in the right cup, but now I want a straw.
10. The milk spilled on me when I blew bubbles with the straw even after you asked me to stop.
11. The milk will never wash out of my clothes.
12. I do not want to take a bath.
13. The new outfit you gave me doesn’t match.
14. I can’t find my tablet.
15. The tablet is not charged.
16. The tablet is broken because I threw it.
17. I’m not tired!
18. I’m too tired.
19. Where’s my milk?

Thank you for working with me to improve our relationship. All information contained herein may change at any time and without notice.

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