Things I, Your Helicopter Parent, Will Not Let You Do Because They Could Be Harmful to You and Make Me Look Bad
by Debbie L. Miller
This is your mother speaking. Since my job is to protect you from life’s vagaries and always appear to be a competent parent, do NOT do ANY of the following under ANY circumstances:
. . . jump in a mud puddle or play in the mud, even though it’s purported to contain microbes, bacteria, and viruses that allegedly keep your immune system strong. I’m not taking any chances. If I let you play in mud, next thing I know, you’ll be swimming in public pools and drinking from toilet bowls. (Not on my watch, kiddo.)
. . . crawl, play, or sit on the floor, even if our housekeeper swears she’s just cleaned. Just because she says the floor’s “so clean you can eat off it,” doesn’t mean you should. (Do you want to give me a heart attack?)
. . . catch fireflies, crickets, June bugs, ants, ladybugs, or grasshoppers. Bugs are disgusting and nobody should play with them; I don’t care what your science teacher says. (Are you trying to kill me?)
. . . talk to anybody on the street, sidewalk, from a car, or through your bedroom window — especially if they’re already talking to themselves. (Trust me, this can only end badly.)
