Things You’re Still Shouting At Your Colleagues Over Zoom, or Shouting At Your Children Who Are Also On Zoom and Also Shouting?*

“Can you hear me?”

Audrey Burges
Frazzled

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Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
  1. Can you hear me? Are you actually able to hear me right now? AM I GETTING ACROSS TO YOU?
  2. I wasn’t yelling at you. I wasn’t. It was just impossible to tell if the words coming out of my mouth were reaching your ears. Thank you for confirming!
  3. Yes, sure, have a snack! It takes more time for you to ask than it would take to just go get one.
  4. Is there — is there a dog on screen right now? Why yes, yes there is. Hello, Mr. Pickles. Who’s a good boy in the meet? Who remembers to keep his microphone off? YOU do. YES you do.
  5. What are we supposed to be doing right now? Are we doing that thing? I feel like maybe we’re not doing that thing.
  6. Yes, I’m having a snack. Yes, it’s choc — no, sorry, you can’t have any! It’s impossible for me to give it to you. Let me just put this away so you stop looking at it.
  7. Check your settings. I said CHECK your SETTINGS. It is not MY job to check YOUR settings.
  8. I’m seeing a lot of words in the chat right now. It’s hard for us to focus when there are so many words in the chat. Do we need to turn the chat…

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Audrey Burges
Frazzled

Author, THE MINISCULE MANSION OF MYRA MALONE (Berkley 2023); work in McSweeney’s, Belladonna, Slackjaw, & elsewhere. Twitter: @audrey_burges; audreyburges.com.