Humor | Satire | Parenting

This Isn’t a Babysitting Job, It’s a Chance to Nurture a Genius

Applicants must have a master’s degree in nutrition, five years at NASA, and fluency in Latin

Is it really that hard to find someone just like Mary Poppins with a PhD? (freepik/author)

We’re on the hunt for a truly exceptional candidate to navigate the boundless energy and insatiable curiosity of our six-month-old son, Alistair. Even though his current vocabulary is limited to an impressive range of gurgles and coos, we’re sure Ali is on the verge of profound philosophical inquiries. We suspect those piercing blue eyes hold a deep fascination with quantum physics, the electrical design of the Mars Curiosity Rover, and ancient Latin.

From the moment we discovered we were expecting, we knew Ali was no ordinary fetus. His prenatal ultrasound revealed not just a healthy baby boy, but a child whose every kick encoded Shakespearean sonnets in Morse code. We immediately began attaching headphones to his mother’s belly, and he breezed through aerospace mechanics and Mandarin in less than a week.

Now that Ali has successfully transitioned from the womb and into the world, we have been even more impressed by his talents. Just yesterday, we found a television remote in the crib, and our little genius was chewing on it! This action, reminiscent of Galileo’s…