Parenting | Humor

Thoughts of a Modern Helicopter / Snowplow / Doomer Parent While Watching the 1971 “He Likes It. Hey Mikey!” Life Cereal Ad

image from Canva

• Where is their mother?
• There is not even a feminine hand in this ad! Nor the whole body of a woman! Nor even a Maternal Figure Mommybot™!
• Who poured the cereal?
• The boys?
• That’s fucking dangerous.
• The boys could have choked while breakfasting.
• (Their mother has already shirked her duties by not appearing in the ad. We can assume she does not know the Heimlich maneuver.)
• Furthermore, where is the boys’ father?
• Is he a chauvinist cretin working at an “investment bank’’?
• Did he commute there in a 1970s “gas guzzler”?
• He’s probably too busy destroying the narwhals' environment to gentle-parent.
• Also, he probably assumes (!!!!!) that after this breakfast Mother will drive “his boys” (pre-diabetic and severely lacking in after-school youth sports) in an old, automatic transmission station wagon, un-safety-belted, to the broke-ass local public school where neither of them knows what deviant sex books might be in the school library and the playground is a bunch of sticks.
• Can Mikey identify any native plants?
• Has Mikey ever tried Cricket Nuggz?
• He should, and soon. Because in his lifetime the American plains will be engulfed in flames. Wheat won’t grow. People will be eating bugs. People will be eating weeds.
• Do these boys not understand they will be the generation with climate anxiety?
• They also don’t seem to care about the politics of General Mills!
• Does their breakfast cereal lean Left or Right, or worst of all, refuse to take a position on the Middle East? Not to know if your cereal flakes are Republican???!!!! Fuck! That’s dangerous! It’s an election year!!!! Are the parents purposefully keeping their under-7s ignorant? Blink once if you support the border wall, twice if you want a nanny state, Mikey!
• Does he even want to be called that?
• Are his brothers bullying him?
• What if he wants to go by his big-boy name, Michael?
• Surely just “being a cute kid” is not the totality of Michael’s identity.
• The cereal box should include a QR code for future AI discount therapy, Cricket Nuggz, and a bike helmet!

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