Humor | Satire
Tired of Waiting for Mr. Right to Start a Family? Consider Nature’s Many Parenting Alternatives!
Ask your doctor if wind pollination is right for you
Are you ready to have children but haven’t yet found “the one?” If the traditional family route isn’t working for you, consider looking to nature for a little procreative inspiration.
Wind Pollination
An excellent choice for the lazy and indecisive. Like a majestic oak, simply stand still while a soft breeze carries male gametes to you. No more dating apps or going to bars. You don’t even have to flip through donor profiles at a sperm bank.
Wear loose pants on a windy day, and you’ll be knocked up before you can say, “You said you wanted grandchildren, Mom. You never said how. I don’t care what you tell Aunt Lynda!”
Fragmenting
Imagine the “got your nose” trick, but the nose grows into a whole new you. That’s fragmenting! If you’re self-conscious about walking around without a nose, get some old COVID masks from your glove compartment or take a vacation until it grows back. I know it sounds complicated, but starfish manage it, and they’re basically anuses with arms.
