Truthful Taglines for Classic Children’s Toys
1. Slinky: “Teaching Kids It’s Fun to Play on the Stairs, Since 1945”
2. Stomp Rockets: “Your Annual Gutter-Cleaning Reminder”
3. Remote Control Vehicle of Any Kind: “42 Seconds of Fun before Breaking!”
4. Chutes and Ladders: “Enjoy the Milestone of Your Child’s First Cheating to Win a Game”
5. Jacks: “Every House Has ’Em; Nobody’s Ever Used ‘Em”
6. Silly Putty: “Part of the Fabric of America (And Your Couch) Since 1949”
7. Tic Tac Toe: “255,168 Possible Game Plays, Each Less Fun Than the Last”
8. Jenga: “Guaranteed to Wake the Baby or Your Money Back!”
9. That Plastic Board That Has 16 Slots and 15 Tiles That You Have to Slide Around to Put Them in Order: “Everyone’s Favorite Toy That Was the Only Toy Available at That One Relative’s House”
10. Play-Doh: “24 Colors Come Out of the Box; 1 (Brown) Goes Back In”
11. Aerobie: “Watch It Goooooo! It’s Gone.”
12. Whiffle Ball Bat: “Way Less Fun Since America’s Funniest Home Videos Went Off the Air”
13. Tinker Toys: “Awesome to Build with Except That One Damn Wheel Whose Holes Are Too Big And So The Rods Keep Falling Out — ARGH!”
14. Toy Ukulele: “Three Hours of Tuning, 23 Seconds of Strumming”
15. Rail Twirler: “You Will Google This And Then Sheepishly Admit to Yourself You Still Have No Idea How It Works”
16. Legos: “Hey Buddy, What Are You Building Over Th…AAAAGGGH…Damn It, That Hurts!”
17. Monopoly: “800 Million Games Started; 0 Completed”
18. A Kite: “Teaches Valuable Life Skills Like Untangling String, Working Really Hard Just to Keep Something Sustained at the Minimum Possible Level, and Disappointment”
19. A Miscellaneous Broken and Faded Matchbox Car That Just Appeared at Some Point Mysteriously: “Your Child’s Favorite Toy”
