Welcome To Our All-Inclusive Resort For Parents Of Young Children
Parents, have you recently:
- Fantasized about needing a root canal, because it would buy you 90 minutes of alone time?
- Savored the spa-like atmosphere of that moment when, after you put your kids in their car seats, you get to walk around to your side of the car?
- Looked forward to Monday morning with quiet but prodigious enthusiasm?
At Parent Paradise, we know that having kids is the best thing you’ve ever done, and the worst thing you’ve ever done, all at the same time, and most of that time is spent vacuuming an endless stratum of snack crumbs. That’s why our luxury resort caters exclusively to exhausted parents of small children, who haven’t felt alive or not been ill since 2017.
While your kids are being safely cared for at home by family members or a trusted babysitter, Parent Paradise will pamper you and your spouse in an exclusive five-star Caribbean setting, where no one will yell at you for opening a string cheese wrong. Soak up our alluring high-end accommodations that include Your Own Bed, All To Yourself; Laundry Done By Someone Else; and A TV That Can’t Play Frickin’ Blippi.
Intrigued? Here’s a sample day you’ll enjoy in Parent Paradise:
Whenever You Decide (!) To Wake Up: Hot Coffee Time
Wake up at a time of your choosing. Drink your coffee while it’s hot; no microwaving needed!
10 AM: Poop Uninterrupted
Our ultra-private outhouses, each surrounded by its own half acre of tropical forest, ensure solo bathroom bliss.
10:30 AM: Wander Target Alone
We’ve created a meticulous simulation of a Target store, where you can smell candles and study seltzer flavors in peace. If you’re starting to miss your child, one of our staff is available to follow you around asking a million questions and whining for a cake pop.
12 PM: Read A Book
Remember those?
12:30 PM: Lunch In Silence
Did we mention? Parent Paradise is the only resort in the Caribbean with a complete ban on Annie’s Cheddar Bunnies.
1 PM: Camera Roll Fix
Our luxurious oceanside cabanas come equipped with ultra-fast wifi for looking at photos of your kids after you swore you wouldn’t.
1:30 PM: Sit Down Without Immediately Having To Get Up Again
2 PM: Adult Swaddling Hour
Relax as our staff wrap you up like an extra large burrito, put on some white noise and shush you off to slumber.
3 PM: Fitness Classes
Choose from options like: Taking a Long Uninterrupted Shower, Yoga But It’s Just An Hour of Shavasana, and High Intensity Interval Phone Scrolling,
4:30 PM: Couples Retreat
Enjoy some time together in your room, or just stare into space for a while.
6 PM: You Don’t Have To Give Anyone A Bath
We will ensure you do NOT use this time to attempt to wash a screeching 2-year-old’s hair.
7 PM: Dinner
In addition to five-star cuisine prepared by a world-class chef, we provide conversation guides to help you come up with things to talk about besides your children.
8 PM: Tequila Mixer
Get drunk with other toddler parents from around the globe and ponder how on earth Daniel Tiger’s mom and dad afford oceanfront property on their gig economy salaries.
9 PM: Snack Time And More Tequila
Eat whatever snacks you want, out in the open. Go ahead, crinkle those loud wrappers!
10 PM: Trashy TV In Bed, Because You’re A Lightweight Now
Fall asleep to the dulcet tones of bickering housewives or 25 women competing to be engaged to a bland Midwestern software salesman.
At Parent Paradise, we know the re-entry into parenting after a relaxing child-free vacation can be brutal, especially because the grandparents will have reset your children to their factory settings. To help ease you in, we’ll send you home with one of our “Hey Kids, We’re Back” kits, complete with pre-selected souvenirs, Extra Strength Aleve, and a 20% off discount if you decide you need to return the following week, because holy crap.
