Worried Mom of 10-Month-Old Replaces Geico CEO
Becky Johnson, a new mom from Milwaukee, is the company’s first Chief Worrying Officer
MILWAUKEE, WI. — In a move that sent shock waves through the insurance world Thursday, the executive board of Geico Insurance Company unanimously voted to fire long-time CEO Michael L. Tipsord and replace him with a Milwaukee-area mother whose baby has a fever right now.
Becky Johnson, a self-proclaimed “professional worrier,” from Milwaukee, will lead the 65,000-employee company in its efforts to provide adequate insurance coverage for every possible scenario that might cause a new parent to worry.
“We didn’t even realize we needed a CWO until we stumbled across Becky’s depressing, terrifying Instagram posts,” said Ogleman. “Thanks to her innovative worrying insights, we already have seventeen new insurance policies in development that people don’t even know they need.”
Johnson specializes in child-related worry, but her natural talents and worrying expertise extend into areas of finance, health, personal development, spirituality, and End of Days scenarios.
“The key is pushing your limits,” said Johnson in a recent interview for Parenting magazine.
“Where other moms worry about things like fevers, kidnappings, and mass shootings, I take it a step further. It’s all about using your natural ability to worry and letting it run completely out of control.”
Johnson begins by asking “What if?” and riffs from there:
“What if my baby’s fever spikes in the night while we’re sleeping, and gets so high that he suffers brain damage, and because he’s now brain-damaged he won’t know enough to cry to wake me up so I can help him?
“What if I do wake up and realize his fever has grown dangerously high, so I scramble into the car to take him to the ER and drive really fast and accidentally hit a kid who was walking in the road at night without reflective clothing?
“What if I try to pull the kid I hit into the car with me since I’m on my way to the hospital anyway, but I can’t lift him and my baby is screaming and I have to make a choice?
“What if I leave the kid dying in the street to save my baby and the police come for me at the hospital and haul me off to jail for a hit-and-run and the only time I see my son is during prison visits and he grows up to write a best-selling tell-all memoir about having a murderer for a mother and going to see her in prison on the weekends?”
“She’s a master,” said Ogleman. “To think that we wasted decades under traditional leadership, selling traditional insurance policies. With Becky as our CWO, we have an unlimited number of plausible scenarios to terrify the public. But what’s even more special is how we can monetize those fears with new insurance policies for events that will never, ever happen.”
Geico’s premier policy under Johnson’s leadership is their Hit And Run policy, which is based on Johnson’s irrational fear of accidentally running over someone else’s kid while taking her own kid to the ER.
“Most of our customers had never considered such a horrific possibility, but now that they have, they’re worried, and they want coverage.”
