Conversations with Scammers: Episode 1

A fun email thread with a typical 419 Scam

So I get a decent amount of spam in my email, a new one every week or two.

Usually I just delete them, but recently I was inspired to initiate a conversation with the scammer and have a little fun.

Turns out I had a great time with it and will probably be doing it again whenever I get a new email or phone call.

I have the email posted here in sequential order, with the sender listed in bold at the top of the email.

I hope you get a little chuckle out of it:

Bill Cruz (bill_cruz@live.fr):

Hello My Dear,

I am Barr. Bill Cruz , an attorney at law to late. Mr. Alex Rogers, a gold merchant a native of your country who was my client died as a result of lung Cancer. My reason for contacting was to present you as the next of kin to Mr. Alex Bank as you both have the same last name, so that the money left behind by Mr. Alex can be transfer to your account through my help as his personal attorney.

The money value of 6.5 Million (Six Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) was deposited in a bank here by Mr. Alex before his Death on 23 November 2008.

Please if interested to partner with me towards this claim in other for his deposited fund to be transferred to you, contact me back immediately so that I can send more details to you.

Best regards,

Barrister. Bill Cruz

Me:

Hello Mr. Cruz,

I am so happy you contacted me about this unfortunate incident. It could not have come at a better time.

As it turns out, I had a run-in with some unscrupulous middle schoolers last year, and I find myself in quite a bit of debt.

Apparently the new cool thing among kids is to extort unwitting souls such as myself by threatening to make them lick white dog feces if they don’t pay up. Rascally pre-teens these kids are.

So, as it happens, I find myself in exactly 6.5 million dollars worth of debt to these clever little punks. With a monthly fee of $333,333, I’m 18 months into this scam, putting me at right around 6.5 million of debt.

They even have the audacity to send me pictures of the aforementioned doo doo to add psychological torment to the extortion.

I’m not sure if you have ever had the displeasure of dealing with sociopaths of this caliber Billy, but I would not wish this torture upon my worst enemy.

Anyway, just let me know how I can pick up the cash, and I’ll pay up the middle schoolers and get back to my life.

Sincerely,

Mr. Kenneth Rogers Bank III

Bill Cruz:

What exactly are you talking about? are you interested or not?

Me:

I’m talking about the middle school extortionists Billy weren’t you listening? Of course I’m interested I need 6.5 million dollars like immediately. Let’s do this thang.

You want to just send me the cash in a briefcase? I have extensive experience in matters like this and have found that in general, stuffing all the cash into a suitcase and having it delivered by a squad of carrier pigeons is the most secure.

Of course a briefcase filled with 6.5 million is going to be pretty heavy, so you’ll want to get at least 7 pigeons, maybe more if you get a runt or two.

Let me know when you have acquired the pigeon squad and I’ll let you know the drop coordinates.

Bill Cruz:

i see you are a mad man

Me:

A mad man?! Listen Billiam. I don’t know what Alex told you about me, but he was a dirty liar. How do you think he made his money? By being a good business man?

Please.

He’s the reason I know so much about carrier pigeons. His dirty little secret was that he was running an underground carrier pigeon breeding ring. That’s how he made his fortune.

Going around, kid napping innocent pigeons and forcing them to carry things back and forth. He knew that he could sell them off to ambitious new shipping companies that wanted an efficient means of transportation.

So who is the real mad man here?!

Now, you’ve already told me that I am the rightful heir to the Rogers carrier pigeon fortune, and I intend to collect.

Regardless of your opinion of my sanity level, I need that money to make my initial investment into procuring some delivery roadrunners. Those quick little guys are the future of the bird shipping industry.

So tell me, how do I access my new found fortune?

Bill Cruz:

Mr. Kenneth Rogers Bank,

Sorry i just wanted to be sure that your are actually the person i need for this transaction.

Anyway let me have your postal address and your direct telephone number.

Once i receive this information from you then i will draft an application which you will fill and send to the bank for the transfer of the money to your account.

Waiting to receive those informations from you.

Regards.

Barr. Bill Cruz

Me:

You’re careful, I like that.

Alright Bill, you’re clearly a trustworthy guy, I have a good feeling about this.

But I need to be sure that you are who you say you are. So, I’ve devised a riddle that only the real Bill Cruz would be able to solve.

Reply back to me with the correct answer, and I’ll give you the information you desire. Here is the riddle:

“When I was 6, my sister was half my age. Now I am 70, how old is my sister?”

If you truly are who you say you are, you’ll have the answer. This is a real mind bender, so I know that nobody could get the correct answer except the person that is truly responsible for transferring this fortune to me.

I look forward to your reply.

Bill Cruz:

I think this issue have turned to childs play. anyway your sister should be 67 years

Me:

Congratulations Mr. Cruz, you passed my test. I never doubted you for a second.

I know this may seem like silly child’s play, but I am a very cautious individual, and you can’t be too careful when dealing with sums of money such as this. Thank you for accommodating my paranoia, and for having the infinite wisdom to solve one of the toughest riddles I have ever come across.

Your decorum has convinced me that we can move on with the process.

Unfortunately, I don’t currently have an address or phone number, as I am currently deep in the Madagascar jungle, on a trek to track down a rare species of lemur known for its ability to carry packages vast distances using networks of trees.

It would be an invaluable addition to the animal delivery company I was telling you about earlier. As you are involved in the carrier pigeon game, I am sure you can see the value of having a creature such as this as part of my arsenal.

So rather than an address, would it be acceptable if I gave you my current location by using coordinates?

He hadn’t answered for a while, so I followed up:

Bill,

This is Kenneth Rogers Bank. I haven’t heard from you for a while and I’m getting worried you’ve been compromised.

Are we still on for the 6.5 million dollars transfer?

Those middle schoolers I was telling you about are getting bold. They increased their threat to also make me eat a cockroach.

I really don’t want to do that Bill, so I am desperate to get this transfer going.

I’ve even procured an elite group of pigeons to make the transfer, so we should be all good. These birds are the best of the best.

Also I’m a little worried somebody may be reading my emails, so I don’t want to use my real name. From here on out please refer to me as Mister Sprinkles. If you want I can make a code name for you as well, can’t be too careful.

Waiting anxiously to hear your reply.

Love,

Mister Sprinkles

Bill Cruz:

you are not serious ok

Me:

Damnit Bill of course I’m serious!

You really think I would be so stupid as to not be serious about 6.5 million dollars?

You must think I’m an idiot. Frankly I’m a little insulted.

The great Bill Cruz doesn’t respect my intelligence. I would have thought that my reputation would be apparent, because of my family’s well known status in the animal shipping industry.

Anyway, I can forgive you this once, but don’t let it happen again Bill, or else you’ll have Steve to deal with, and we both know how that will go.

Now, back to business. I’m out of Madagascar now, so I’m in a much better position to get you the information you require.

I just need one thing from you and we can get going.

Dont forget about our code names. Please address me as Mr. Sprinkles and since you didn’t give me your preferred code name, I came up with one. You will henceforth be known as Mrs. Tugglemuffin.

I even came up with a backstory for our secret identities. I am your husband and you are my ex wife. we had a perfectly happy marriage until you decided to try and have me killed for the insurance money. I had a hard time forgiving you, but we have slowly started coming closer together on account of our deaf, blind, limbless son needing our help. Little Farnoosh Abdalblakineezerbundlaa will never make it in this crazy world unless we come together as husband and wife.

Anyway, memorize our story in case you are questioned by Interpol. I’m wanted on multiple counts of dolphin kidnapping for a water delivery startup that went terribly wrong. Those slippery little weasels escaped right out of the cages I had them in. Interpol is tenacious, so make sure you don’t reveal anything.

Luckily, our back story is air tight, so you shouldn’t have any issues. You should probably email me a picture of yourself though so I can describe you in case I am questioned. Maybe put a wig on so you look more like a woman and can pass as my wife.

Make sure you are holding up a piece of paper with your code name written on it so I can verify it is really you for security purposes.

Once I have all that, I’ll be ready to send you the information you need and we can get the transfer started.

Sincerely,

Your loving, adoring husband,

Mr. Sprinkles

Again, he didn’t respond, so I followed up:

Bill, I’m seriously getting worried now. Are we still on?

Bill, who has since changed his email address to something new and his name to Jerry:

Yes but i dont think you are the serious type why not let me be, i am tired of those your plays and jokes please i am not finding it funny ok

Me:

Okay I’m sorry I’ll be serious now.

It’s just that I was raised by parents who were circus clowns for a living, and I think it really messed me up.

Now all I can do is make up elaborate yet hilarious stories and pester people who are just trying to help me by giving me inheritances.

I sincerely apologize. I am seeing a therapist about it and so hopefully from here on out I can refrain from making jokes and we can get on to business.

You’re obviously a good, honest person who is only trying to help me, I’m sorry I ever caused you trouble.

Also I see you have changed your name to Jerry, I like that much better than Bill, good choice.

Bill is a peasant’s name.

So, what information do you need from me?

Jerry:

Look Mr bill have succeeded in getting his found out benin and he left some money in the bank has instructed that you should be compensated .

So let me have your bank details to enable me forward it to the bank ok

Me:

Wait you aren’t Bill?

What happened to Bill?

What have you done with Bill?!

Oh no…

You killed him!!!

Damn you Jerry I knew this was all too good to be true.

Bill was a good man, all he wanted to do was give me millions of dollars from my mysteriously dead distant relative that had no other family whatsoever and who wanted me to inherit his money.

That clearly makes sense, but there is something fishy about you Jerry. Even your name, Jerry, ugh.

I was wrong, Jerry is the peasant’s name, Bill is the name of the honorable man I know to be a genuine hero.

Look I don’t know you Jerry. Over the course of our emails I’ve become close to Bill, friends even.

I deeply care about him and I need to know he’s okay before I go through with this.

Even if you’ve kidnapped him, just send me proof that he’s still alive.

A picture, a recording of his voice, an ear, anything.

As long as he’s alive, I know he’ll take care of me and make sure I get my money, because I can see how much he loves me. We’re like brothers Bill and I. Read between the lines of our emails, you’ll see it too.

I hope you understand.

Sincerely,

Bill’s best friend

At this point Bill/Jerry refused to answer me, thus ends my little adventure.

Luckily I get a decent amount of spam, so I’ll be doing this again in the future.

Good times.