The Department of Health and Human Services announced on Tuesday that it would adjust the nation’s gravity by 8.9 percent, the highest adjustment to the country’s gravitational pull in fifteen years. Normally averaging approximately 9.80665 meters per second squared, or “1 g,” HHS officials said they would make the required modifications that would raise the rate of acceleration to the Earth’s surface to approximately 10.68 m/s².

Despite the relatively significant adjustment to American gravity, and the abruptness with which it was announced, administration officials characterized the adjustment as “minor.”

“The vast majority of Americans will probably not even notice that anything has changed,” an HHS spokesperson told Free Lies. “At worst, they might feel like it’s a little harder to get out of bed right away, or that they maybe had too much to eat. We’re confident that everyone will quickly acclimate and carry on with their lives.” …

Frogman Fresh grocery stores, the largest grocery chain in Greater Landsworth County, will no longer sell potatoes it deems to be “sad.” Frogman Fresh CEO Edwin Park said in a Facebook post that effective immediately, the company’s stores would not sell to customers, nor accept from suppliers, sad potatoes.

“Frogman Fresh customers deserve the very best from us,” wrote Park. “When they walk into their local Frogman Fresh store, they expect to be surprised and delighted by the quality of the products on our shelves and the value they get for their dollar.”

“But when they browse our produce department and find a sad potato, that experience is destroyed,” Park added. “The bond of trust between Frogman Fresh and the customer is ruptured. I cannot in good conscience allow that to happen.” …


Free Lies

None of this is true.

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