HHS Raises National Gravity 8.9%

The Department of Health and Human Services announced on Tuesday that it would adjust the nation’s gravity by 8.9 percent, the highest adjustment to the country’s gravitational pull in fifteen years. Normally averaging approximately 9.80665 meters per second squared, or “1 g,” HHS officials said they would make the required modifications that would raise the rate of acceleration to the Earth’s surface to approximately 10.68 m/s².

Despite the relatively significant adjustment to American gravity, and the abruptness with which it was announced, administration officials characterized the adjustment as “minor.”

“The vast majority of Americans will probably not even notice that anything has changed,” an HHS spokesperson told Free Lies. “At worst, they might feel like it’s a little harder to get out of bed right away, or that they maybe had too much to eat. We’re confident that everyone will quickly acclimate and carry on with their lives.”

HHS did release guidelines for Americans working in industries such as construction, aerospace, and professional sports, warning that the increase in gravity may have an impact on normal business operations.

Officials did not immediately address questions as to why the national gravity was being raised, nor how long Americans could expect to be living under the increased strain. Some analysts have speculated that the adjustment may be related to ongoing trade negotiations with the European Union.

Americans looking to escape the burdensome increase in gravity might be hoping that a vacation to Hawaii would offer some relief, but the HHS spokesperson made clear that this would not be the case.

“While a vacation to a tropical island would be great, no matter how hard we’re being pulled to the planet’s surface, noncontiguous parts of the country will be placed under the same average gravitational increase,” said the spokesperson. “We’re one country, and we live under one law, and one g. Or, in this case, 1.089 g’s.”

Odd duck. Opinions do not reflect those of my employers, nor likely anyone else.