I Am The Army
There’s no place like Afghanistan to humiliate yourself in front of the world.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.” The Eagles, Hotel California.
“It is unacceptable to see people trying to flee the country clinging to aircraft landing gears,” Ted Cruz said, in a speech at the naval air station in Fort Worth last week. He made it sound like Americans were hanging from landing gears — not Afghan nationals. Among them was a junior soccer player who fell to his death on a tin roof. His family explained later that their son couldn’t face the return of the Taliban.
Neither can Ted Cruz from the sounds of it. He blames Biden for the mess, forgetting that the whole Afghan debacle is the result of four presidents, two Republicans and two Democrats. Yet it’s fair to say, only one of them was prepared to face what’s been called “The Great Game,” namely Joe Biden.
By the time it was over, 4,500 British soldiers and 12,000 civilians died of exposure in the snows of the Hindu Kush or were killed by Afghan tribal sharpshooters.
The term “The Great Game” goes back to the early nineteenth century when Britain — or more accurately — the East India Company — decided they didn’t want Russia to get its hands on Afghanistan. This led to the British/Afghan War and what became Britain’s most humiliating retreat.
By the time it was over, 4,500 British soldiers and 12,000 civilians died in the snows of the Hindu Kush mountains, either from exposure or being killed by Afghan tribal sharpshooters.
Suffice to say, from that point on, Britain was no longer known as the unbeatable foe. In fact, as invasions go, they did every dumb thing imaginable, which wouldn’t surprise the average Afghan, since foreign interests usually do every dumb thing imaginable.
So let’s take a closer look at what took place back then, and possibly understand why no foreign military has ever succeeded in Afghanistan (don’t bring up Alexander the Great, we weren’t there).
First of all, Afghanistan is a “tribal tapestry.” As the British learned on their way to Kabul in 1839, they had to negotiate with the warlords. To gain their loyalty, the British gave them horses, arms, etc. A few days later, the warlords were loyal to someone else. Nothing has changed.
If we wonder today how the Taliban gained so much control in so little time—again, it was the warlords. They probably changed sides the same day (that’s if they were ever loyal to the Americans or the international contingents).
Throughout Afghanistan, the tribal tapestry is only held together by common interests.
It might also explain why the Afghan army laid down their arms. What else could they do? The tribal tapestry (read warlords) is only held together by common interests. If those interests align with the Taliban or Al-Qaeda, then that’s where their loyalties lay (or lie, since we’re still in present tense).
So when Ted Cruz talks about Biden not being prepared for the Taliban, you can thank the warlords. That’s not to say the Taliban will have an easy time of it—even with the warlords. There are other factors and factions, some which could make life difficult for the Taliban and possibly Afghanistan in general.
Already, Afghan mujahideens are preparing to fight back in Panjshir and surrounding northern regions. In the following weeks and months, warlords in those regions may decide to join them, and its possible Russia may decide to offer support.
Then there’s the Taliban and Al-Qaeda themselves. They don’t always see eye-to-eye, meaning it could end up in a three-way gun battle between the Taliban, Al-Qaeda, and mujahideen resistance (think of Good, Bad, and the Ugly with turbans and bullet belts).
The tables can turn, even when invading forces think they have the upper hand. Let’s look back again at the British/Afghan War.
Before the British entered Afghanistan back in 1838, the country was relatively stable, thanks to its leader Dos Mohammad Khan. How he managed this is anybody’s guess, but he had things under control until, well, the British came along.
Internal friction followed, with many warlords turning on Shah Shujah Durrani, then on the British.
Britain, being Britain, decided to replace Dos Mohammad Khan with Shah Shujah Durrani, a former ruler who’d been kicked to the curb thirty years earlier. This caused immediate internal friction, with many warlords turning on Shah Shujah Durrani and, needless to say, the British.
To make matters worse, the British exchequer at the time decided the occupation was becoming too expensive. He stopped paying the warlords. They, in turn, murdered two of the commanding officers, Alexander Burnes and Sir William MacNaughten.
This left the entire military campaign in the incompetent hands of an elderly, gout-ridden Major General William Eilphinstone.
Shortly after hearing of Burnes’ and MacNaughten’s death, Eilphinstone figured it was time to get out of Afghanistan, which was a mistake from the start. It was winter for one thing. All the mountain passes were blocked, particularly the Hindu Kush where Eilphinstone planned his route of escape.
Well, off they went, anyway, leaving behind many seriously offended Afghans (turns out the British were guilty of everything from torture to sexual indiscretions). And being seriously pissed, they followed the retreating British into the Hindu Kush, shooting many, while leaving others to die from exposure.
In the end, only one lone survivor, Assistant Surgeon, William Brydon, staggered into a Jalalabad fort weeks later (actually, his horse staggered in, but you get the picture). When asked where the rest of the army was, Brydon replied, “I am the army.”
Besides, who’s talking surrender? When the Taliban can practically walk into Kabul, isn’t it pretty much of a given?
That’s something to think about, especially these days with Trump’s military hawks screaming, “No surrender,” as if they’ve never read a history book in their lives. Nobody’s asking Americans to surrender. You’re just supposed to know when to get the hell out, and it’s pretty obvious three American administrations didn’t get the message.
Not that it matters to Ted Cruz or any of the Republican senators. Now isn’t the time for remembering history, or the impossible calculus involved in trying to extricate an army from Kabul along with loyal Afghans.
Besides, retreats have never been America’s strong suit. When Cruz makes the comparison with Saigon, he forgets that it was President Gerald Ford, a Republican, who ordered the evacuation.
Fortunately, memories fail or fade. It’s the Republican way. Somehow they can’t their heads around the fact that the rest of the world isn’t, well, American. As a Texan once told me as we wandered the Iron Market in Port-au-Prince in Haiti back in ‘87, “If I don’t find a Golden Arches pretty soon, bub, these hillbillies are gonna hear about it.”
When this legless veteran came forward, claiming he was ready to go back and give “those Taliban proper hell,” he was a prize pony for the Republicans.
Well, I suppose that’s about as Ugly American as you’re going to get unless you’re a hawkish American officer still filled with patriotism. When this legless veteran came forward, claiming he was ready to go back and give “those Taliban proper hell,” he was a prize pony for the Republicans.
Unfortunately, it’s more drama than logic.
The Taliban isn’t new to this game. They’re seasoned fighters and heavily armed, the result of Americans leaving billions of dollars worth of arms, including sixty Blackhawk helicopters. They also want a fight. If they win, history repeats itself. America, like Britain and Russia, will go down as invaders who humiliated themselves.
Not that America should feel particularly embarrassed by this. Invasion in Afghanistan has been the same for well over 200 years. You go in with high hopes and leave with a military deficit. You also leave behind a puppet leader nobody in the country likes or supports.
He had the taint of a puppet, just like the Shah of Iran did years ago.
Was anyone surprised when President Ashraf Ghazi snuck out of Kabul, saying he “didn’t want to cause more problems”? He’s probably right. The Taliban would’ve hung him, probably the same day. He had the taint of a puppet, just like the Shah of Iran did years ago. Manifest Destiny is a bitch. Just when you think you’ve got everything under control, frankly, you don’t.
So Ted, keep your hand over your heart, and play to your audience. Nothing you say will make Afghanistan anything other than a clean-up operation that three presidents dodged. Feel free to blame Biden, throw in those Saigon comparisons. At the end of the day, it’s just another humiliating retreat.
In other words, get used to it, Ted. Based on your rhetoric, no doubt you’ll get your ass kicked somewhere else, possibly during the 2024 election, but I’m pretty sure it’ll happen before that. When it comes to failed logic and misrepresentation, you are the army.
Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Robert’s other articles and short stories at robertcormack.net
