One Rule of Parenting that Makes Kids Open Up
And helps them face disappointment in a mature manner
As kids, we are stubborn. We want what we want. And we do not accept anything otherwise.
Or the alternative, sometimes we are so scared of asking what we want because the anticipation is that either we will get yelled at or the answer will anyway be a big fat NO.
It’s not just parents who judge the kids, but it’s also kids who judge their parents. Are they strict? Are they easy-going? Will they understand what I am saying?
Eventually what happens, is kids start to filter what they say or don’t say to their parents. It’s a natural reaction and this also means that parents, in many cases, don’t get to know what goes on in the minds of their children.
And here’s where I’d like to quote an awesome practice my Dad had adopted when we were kids.
He told us, not once, not twice, but an endless number of times just this one thing.
‘Drashti, if you want something, if you like something, make it a point to ask me. Just make it a point to ask me. I may say no, if I can’t manage it or if I have a reason to say so, but you have to be ready for that. Nevertheless, if you want something, just ensure you ask me first.’
And so as kids, it was a kind of acceptable rule. If I liked that fancy compass box or that fancy keyboard, all I had to do was tell my Dad that I wanted it.
There were times he got me those things in an instant. And there were times when he flatly refused. But because of the clear expectation, he had set for me (that he is very likely to refuse), I never even once felt disappointed.
I felt he was being transparent and hence I did not have to hide my wishes no matter how ridiculous they were.
My father knew everything his kids wanted. He was aware. And therefore he was aware of the disappointment when we didn’t get those things too.
This rule continued and for a long, long time ‘til we grew up to earn for ourselves.
I distinctly remember I had topped my class in my graduation. My father, delighted, asked me, “ What do you want? You have done well.’’
“I want a Handycam to shoot movies,” I said effortlessly, as his face fell slightly.
“I know a Handycam is expensive. The deal is, you can decide not to give me birthday gifts for the next 3 years, and then give me this cam whenever you can,’’ I said reasonably.
My father was taken aback that I understood his masked hesitance. He smiled and simply said ‘’Okay.’’
However, that maturity was enough to convince him that I deserved it. The same year, in fact, the next month, he gave me a brand new Sony Handycam worth Rs. 40,000.
I was shocked. I wasn’t expecting to get this so early. But this is exactly what happened. I couldn’t say a word when I looked at it.
Parents often gifted us to honour our achievements. But they did not dangle achievements as a carrot for getting something we wanted. And like I said, if we wanted something, we simply had to ask.
When you are younger, this helps you immensely. You learn to not hold back. You learn to accept No. You learn to take rejection well. You learn to be mature.
Try it out with your kids. Let me know how it goes? :) If it does work, I’ll pass on the compliments to my Dad :)
