The Death of Presenteeism
When the going gets weird, the weird better stay home.
“It’s no longer a question of staying healthy, it’s a question of finding a sickness you like.” Jackie Mason
“I had to get off the train and puke in a garage can,” a young account executive told us one day. This was back in the eighties, before presenteeism was even a word. At the time, she wanted us to know, sick as she was, nothing would keep her away. Not even if it meant debasing herself in front of a bunch of subway riders.
Well, hell, hadn’t we all debased ourselves in one way or another? I remember catching a bug in the early nineties that had me gushing out both ends. Rather than stay home, I drank Pepto Bismol, stuffed paper towels down the back of my underwear, and went to work.
Sure, I felt like shit, and sure, I was infecting everyone around me. I wasn’t the only one, though. We were all presentees back then.
Presenteeism: The act of showing up for work, and infecting everyone around you because you’re so fucking dedicated.
Besides, it was just the flu, and who didn’t spread the flu? I mean, who’s going to know how devoted you are, if you don’t come to work sniffling, coughing, and telling everyone you’re gushing out both ends (okay, that was me).
I think the term “flu season” was invented to absolve us of any real guilt.
So, yes, we were spreaders. Guilty as charged.
I think the term “flu season” was invented to absolve us of any real guilt. Which begs the question, who was absolving us? And why?
That’s simple. Management. In their own quiet, sultry way, they convinced us that it was better to come in sick than stay home like wimpity-wimps.
So we did, and infected everyone else, and we all went through flu season debasing ourselves, and occasionally sticking paper towels down that back of our underwear (okay, again, that was me).
This was all part of corporate mindset, meaning they were trying to be efficient, lean and mean, or basically cheap. Skip the first two, they were cheap.
They replaced receptionists with answering machines, and secretaries with personal computers. Before we knew it, we were all little mission control operations, sending time sheets electronically to the New York office and leaving Butt-o-grams on the copier.
But that still wasn’t what made us presentees.
What did was knowing we didn’t have backup. Nobody took over your accounts if you were sick. They simply waited until you came back. If you said, “It’s not even worth taking a day off to be sick,” well, that was the whole idea (bone up on corporate malfeasance, why don’t you)
Sitting in our cubicles, we looked like cows hooked up to milking machines.
For the want of a better term, we were all dedicated idiots. Sitting in our cubicles, we looked like cows hooked up to milking machines.
Even Steve Jobs couldn’t give a satisfying answer when asked if computerized offices weren’t reducing us to dairy stock. “That’s not what we trying to do at all,” he said. “Our goal has always been to communicate better. It’s supposed to make work more enjoyable.”
Enjoyable? Hell, Jobs should’ve understood presenteeism better than anyone. Weren’t Apple staff notorious for staying late, and still coming in when they were gushing out of both ends?
It’s the American way. Or at least it was until the coronavirus came along and turned us into potential murderers. In a matter of months, we were the equivalent of Typhoid Mary. She supposedly killed 53 people before they isolated her in some sanitarium for the last 30 years of her life.
This kills them. Especially if they picture you GameBoying your brains out instead of doing actual work.
Anyway, with these variants multiplying like bunnies, obviously presenteeism isn’t lauded anymore. Corporations — gritting their teeth —have been forced to tell employees to stay home. This kills them. Especially if they picture you GameBoying your brains out instead of doing actual work.
I spoke with a teacher who said his students are doing exactly that. “We may be writing off two years,” he said. That’s a big concern considering we don’t know how long this fourth wave will last.
So what does the future look like if we’re all Gameboying our brains out and turning our kids into dummies? Will we ever get back to normal, meaning will we ever become presentees again?
As we move into the fourth wave of this virus, it doesn’t seem likely. Already, the mindset is changing. In a recent study, nearly 48% of participants admitted they don’t want to go back to the office.
Next question: Can we all work remotely? According to one financial specialist, it doesn’t seem likely. Without staff in the office, how can managers do effective reviews? And if people are holed up in their homes, what happens to the level of communication? What happens to GroupThink?
We can still have video conferences, but what about that politician who was caught playing with himself during an online meeting?
As he pointed out, we’re not used to thinking on our own. Not that we can’t have video conferences, but what about that politician who was caught playing with himself during an online meeting?
At least we know we’re still capable of debasing ourselves.
So what’s the answer? Believe it or not, there isn’t one. Companies have no way of grading devotion if they don’t have presentees, and that’s a big part of maintaining good corporate/employee relationships (supposedly).
“It’s not that we don’t trust our staff,” one manager said, “we just don’t trust the environment. We’ve had remote meetings where kids are running into the room, and one where a beagle shat on the rug. This doesn’t happen when your staff is in the office.”
Good point except, as a dedicated presentee, I was very close to shitting on the rug at the office. The only thing separating me from that beagle was a bunch of paper towels stuffed down the back of my pants.
I think it’s safe to say we won’t have this figured out any time soon. Some corporations will never accept having staff work remotely. Others are already seeing this as a huge financial windfall.
Going remote frees up an enormous amount of real estate. We don’t need a hundred offices anymore. Without those associated costs, corporations can sublet those corporate towers, possibly turning them into condominiums where remote workers can live.
That’s not to say employees won’t still be Gameboying their brains out, or doing video conferences with their pants around their knees.
The thought of no longer being “good soldiers” by spreading our germs and viruses everywhere is a little disconcerting.
But what about us presentees? Some of us have spent our entire careers coming to work sick. The thought of no longer being “good soldiers” by spreading our germs and viruses everywhere is a little disconcerting.
Well, I guess we can still sit in virtual meetings with our Kleenex boxes, telling everyone nothing will stop us from doing our job. We might have a thermometer behind our ear, and be sitting on our own version of a port-a-potty cut out of our seat webbing, but we’re still dedicated.
That’s all that matters in the end, right? Excuse the pun. I’ve been alone a lot. As Hunter S. Thompson once said, “When going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”
Be prepared for a lot of weird pros. This is a pandemic after all. We could get a lot weirder before things get back to normal.
Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist, and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. You can read other stories and articles by Robert at robertcormack.net
