The travails of Lowly Worm

These days, I know when Lander has hurt himself because he yells not only the old standards “ow!” and “aaaaugh,”…

Giant Race Car from Hell

Last week, at a Whole Foods Market in Cambridge, Massachusetts, I drove a Giant Race Car from Hell all through the store, with my two little boy children in the drivers’ seats (yes, “ drivers’ seats” is plural, as there were two steering wheels in this contraption. Very wise.) “Giant…

Stop. Breathe.

Stop. Breathe.

I hear you, sister. And brother. And others, who aren’t sisters or brothers. And dogs. And…

Our cursing three-year-old: Friend or Enemy?

One beautiful autumn morning, whilst looking out the window at the idyllic scene of squirrels ferreting away their cache of delectables for the winter, Lander said, “Those stupid squirrels. When they’re in our yard, they’re fucking squirrels. When…

Are there any truckers in here?

The other night at about 2 AM, I heard Lander’s little voice cry out…

Special Friend Kleenex Box of Happiness

Special Friend Kleenex Box of Happiness will make you stop crying!!! Of this I am…

Scornful Temperance Mother

I am Scornful Temperance Mother. Do not offer me a gin and tonic in January. Do not ask me to hold baby while I am taking the pizza out of the oven so you may put the ice cubes away with both of your hands. Scornful Temperance Mother needs both hands to take the goddamnpizza out of…

Designers of Children’s Clothing=Purveyors of Nightmares

Okay, so whenever I try to buy socks or underwear for Lander, I run into a problem. And the problem is this: these items are usually festooned with violent and/or frightening images of fighting guys, biting animals, or skeletal…

The Zombie Discussion can not happen yet.

The other day I accidentally played a YouTube video for Lander in which a fire truck retrofitted to be a killing machine repeatedly shot and/or ran over bloodthirsty zombies. In my defense, the thumbnail for the video was of a very innocent looking fire…