Tell Finn: Stop Screaming About The Damn Toast

(an online petition)

goal: 1200 signatures

Almost every morning, my younger son screams at me to get him some toast. Sometimes by “toast” he just means “bread with butter.” But whatever form it takes, Finn’s toast is ruining our lives.

Sometimes the bread with butter falls apart after Finn has walked around with it for a minute. Then he becomes so filled with rage that he begins screaming “my toast is breaking!” at full volume, for anywhere from five minutes to an hour. Sometimes he may alternate between “My toast is breaking,” and “Fix it.”

I, his mother, have told him that I cannot fix it, because it is bread, and that it’s actually a good thing that it broke because it needs to fall apart to get to his belly. Yet he keeps screaming until I get him a new piece of “toast” and closely monitor his consumption of it, so as to avoid any further tearage in the bread, or until I cut the broken pieces into tiny triangles. But I shouldn’t have to do this. It will fall apart in his mouth anyway.

So the next day, I might toast the bread in the toaster, because toasted bread is more rigid and won’t fall apart so easily. But he sometimes screams about that, too, because on some mornings he wants soft, untoasted bread that you can see the butter on. I understand it is difficult to see melted butter when you are two years old, but there is already a shitload of butter on that toast. His demands are destroying my life, my husband’s life, his brother’s life, and the dog’s life… except for when he throws the toast on the floor; then the dog’s life improves momentarily.

The other morning he wanted to eat the toast, with jam, no less, on the couch. We have a rule in our house: Everyone eats food at the dining room table or the breakfast nook. So I told him “No, you must eat the toast at the table; jam is way too messy to eat on the couch.” He screamed for an entire hour about wanting to eat “jam toast” while watching Ponyo on the couch.

And if that isn’t enough, consider this: once I took a bite out of a piece of toast that he had rejected only moments before. I even asked him if he was done: “All done, Finner? So mom can eat it?” And he said, unequivocally, “Yes.” But as soon as I took the first bite, he began screaming and did not stop for a full forty five minutes. By the time we figured out what he was screaming about, he was so far into his spiral of rage that there was no option but to allow it to run its course. His precious toast ended up on the floor and the dog ate it.

Please join me in asking my younger son, Finn, to stop screaming at me about the toast immediately. On behalf of our family, I thank you for your support.

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SIGN THIS PETITION

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Letter to:

Frank Phineas “Finn” Blanton, resident two-year-old

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Our family lived a relatively peaceful existence until a month ago, when you discovered “morning toast.”

Did you know that every time you scream about the toast, a kitten dies in a car accident? And oh yes, cute little birds start falling out of their nests, which kills them.

Please stop screaming about the damn toast.

Sincerely,

Your parents, your brother, the dog, and these members of the general public, who agree you need to stop this now.