The Golden Rule

Toddlers are taught not to hit others. Kindergartners are told to share and play nicely. Middle Schoolers are reminded to avoid saying something if it isn’t nice, and adults are always expected to “take the high road.”

Each lesson provides a tidbit of wisdom for how we are expected to act…and more importantly, they focus on controlling our own actions (and/or reactions). While the level of sophistication increases as we mature, all these tidbits of wisdom can be broadly summarized by one guiding principle: The Golden Rule.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!

I’m sure you’ve heard this at some point in your life. Regardless of the nuances that occur in various social situations, treating others as we would expect to be treated provides us with a solid foundation to promote respect and ensure positive interactions with others.

“Let everyone regulate his conduct…by the golden rule of doing to others as in similar circumstances we would have them do to us, and the path of duty will be clear before him.”

William Wilberforce

Building a Foundation

The principle of the Golden Rule offers us an excellent model to follow — for any scenario we may encounter. Adhering to it will help you avoid social pitfalls and keep you headed in the right direction.

The primary question is…how do we follow it?

As we grow, we learn to distinguish right from wrong and to identify good behavior from bad. However, there are times when our wants, needs, and emotions cloud our judgement. These are the times when we should cling to the Golden Rule.

To help you get started, let’s see how you would handle the following scenarios:

• While enjoying your favorite pizza with your family, you realize that there is only one slice left. What do you do? Act quickly to eat it before others notice? Or, ask if anyone wants to split the last slice?

If I’m honest with myself, I would really want to take the last slice of pizza and eat it before anyone else noticed (who wouldn’t want more pizza!). But, I also know I would be less than thrilled if someone else got to the last slice before me. In this case, I would definitely want them to offer to split it with me (because again…who wouldn’t want more pizza!).

In order to avoid a double standard by acting one way when I’m in control but expecting others to act differently, I should always offer to split the last slice of pizza…no matter how much I might not want to.

• While driving on the highway, you see a car trying to merge into the slight gap ahead of you. Do you press the accelerator to close that gap, forcing them to merge in after you? Or, do you ease up and give them a little more space to safely merge on?

Sadly, I’ve seen this scenario happen too many times. Often, the driver already on the highway closes that gap so that the merging car is unable to get ahead of them and is, instead, forced to slide in behind. If the Golden Rule were applied, the driver entering the highway would find that everyone around them was giving them a safe and easy chance to merge in to traffic, rather than making it harder.

While these are only two examples, they should offer you a better understanding of how the Golden Rule can serve as our guide in many circumstances, no matter how trivial they may seem.

Double Standards

Double standards can be an easy trap to fall into. These occur when we apply one set of standards to ourselves, but apply a different set to others. When people touted as being fair or just act in this manner, they will most likely be seen as hypocrites. By utilizing the Golden Rule, you can avoid this pitfall and better live up to the ideals of fairness and justness.

Think about the above scenarios, and consider your responses:

• Did you find that you would treat others in the way that you would want to be treated? If so, congratulations! You are practicing the Golden Rule.
• If you have one standard for how you would behave and another for how you want others to treat you for the same situation, you may want to rethink your automatic tendencies.

Take some time to reflect on your attitude and take a critical look at how well you implement the Golden Rule in your life. Using the Golden Rule as a standard for your behavior and actions will help you promote positive relationships and keep you on the right path.

“If your actions were to boomerang back on you instantly, would you still act the same? Doing to others an act you’d rather not have done to you reveals a powerful internal conflict.”

Alexandra Katehakis

A Deeper Layer

While the idea of treating others the way you want to be treated is a great way to behave, there is a flip side: Sometimes we have to consider the inverse — not treating others in a way that you wouldn’t want to be treated. While we easily understand this option, many do not directly tie this to the Golden Rule as they should.

I have personally encountered many situations where I witnessed others being treated very poorly. Taking the lesson from these situations, I vowed to myself that I would never act that way toward anyone else.

An Unhinged Boss

I remember one situation that left a very strong impression on me. I remember it as if it happened yesterday (even though it was over 20 years ago!).

While working at a retail store located inside a large mall, I was scheduled to close the store on Thanksgiving Eve.

When my boss scheduled me for that particular shift, she had assured me that the mall was closing early that night. Based on this information, I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for that evening.

On Thanksgiving Eve, I went to work, and, as usual, the hours passed with nothing notable happening. However, that all abruptly changed. Towards the end of my shift, I came to find out that the mall wouldn’t be closing early as my boss had previously stated…

I was now in a dilemma.

While I didn’t mind working later, I now had a conflict that I couldn’t easily remedy — my doctor’s appointment. I knew that without a 24-hour notice, I would incur a sizeable cancellation fee. Not seeing any other option, I chose to call my boss to let her know about the mix up with the mall’s schedule and my unresolvable conflict.

While I knew she would be upset about the mix up (which was actually her mistake) and would be less than thrilled to come in to work unexpectedly, I could never have imagined the reaction she gave me. It was totally unexpected and extremely unprofessional!

Words can’t capture the full experience.

After explaining the situation to her, she began to immediately rant and yell at me over the phone — incoherently at times — due to bouts of crying from her out-of-control emotions. After enduring the call, I was initially shocked at her extreme reaction, and then became terrified of what would happen when she arrived.

Even though I knew I had done nothing wrong, I became terribly anxious. I kept telling myself that she would be calmer when she arrived…I was mistaken!

She entered in a whirlwind, mumbling and, at times, sobbing. Some of the murmuring, I’m sure, was certainly directed to me, and some was just the background babbling of a person pushed over the edge.

I was dumbfounded at her inexplicable reaction and terrified at the magnitude of her response!

Although I did not immediately take anything positive from this situation, it did shape how I viewed my boss and influenced my future interactions with her.

Lessons Learned

While I didn’t know it at the time, this experience taught me a very important maxim…It’s possible to learn what not to do from the poor example of others.

In hindsight and after reflection of this experience, I realized that:

• I didn’t like experiencing her out of control emotions. Lesson: Be in control of your emotions at all times.
• I didn’t like being blamed when I didn’t make the mistake. Lesson: Do not blame someone else for your own errors.
• I didn’t like being provided incorrect information. Lesson: Before providing information to others, verify the facts and never assume.
• I didn’t like being belittled. Lesson: Treat others with respect.
• I didn’t like taking flack when conveying unfavorable information. Lesson: “Don’t shoot the messenger.”

By seeing how others acted or reacted, I could evaluate whether that behavior or action aligned with how I wanted to be treated. When it did, I wanted to emulate it. However, when the result was not how I wanted to be treated, I would make a mental note that this was not behavior I wanted to model.

Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I was fully engaged in using the Golden Rule.

It Is the Goal, Not The Recipe

The Golden Rule does not tell you precisely what to do or how to act in every situation. Instead, it is more of a guide of how you should act or behave more often in your life.

However, critics of the Rule tend to apply it literally. They incorrectly presume that you should treat others EXACTLY as you would prefer to be treated. Therefore, they reason, the Golden Rule is not valid since clearly everyone does not prefer exactly the same things you do.

As we discussed, the Golden Rule is a guiding principle; it doesn’t provide an exact formula for how to behave in any given situation. It does not mean that I take action or say EXACTLY what I would like others to say or do.

Take a look at these examples:

• If Bill loves cars and prefers to talk about them, that doesn’t mean that everyone will love them with the same intensity. Therefore, as a matter of course, Bill should try not to talk about cars all the time.
• If Samantha likes to garden, she shouldn’t simply buy gardening-related gifts for everyone just because that is what she would like to receive.
• If Autumn is dieting and doesn’t eat snacks, she shouldn’t expect others in her office to stop bringing treats to share.

As illustrated by these examples, we can easily lose perspective on the intent of the Golden Rule. When we try to take it literally, we miss out on its purpose.

Rather than a literal application (i.e. everyone else wants and likes EXACTLY what I do), the Golden Rule requires an assessment of the situation. This includes gaining an understanding of your preferences and being aware of how most people might want to be treated in the same situation.

While this sounds like a lot of work, those adept at using the Golden Rule can assess a situation and evaluate factors quickly. In fact, as the process becomes engrained and more automatic, they may not even realize the steps they have taken to determine their final course of action.

The bottom line for using the Golden Rule is that we need to use our expectation of how we want to be treated — and not necessarily our personal, unique preferences — as a guide for how to treat others.

Originally published at freedomsreach.com on April 1, 2019.