How Mental Health (MH) affected my life and career in the creative industry
Coping with Anxiety & Depression is extremely difficult, especially when it involves your career and your family.
Where and how did all this come about?
Back in early 2015, I split up with my then wife, we have 2 daughters and I have 1 step son with her. It hit me incredibly hard, I was forced to move out to a random house in the middle of nowhere, with no means of transport, very little money, no family or friends nearby and my close family didn’t even know this.
This destroyed my self esteem, confidence and shattered my inspiration at work (something I will explain as we go on). It broke me, I battled with depression and anxiety severely, contemplated suicide (the thought of my daughters being alone quickly stopped this of course). I just felt alone and had no idea what to do.
From the age of 20, everything in my life was 100mph, moving in with my partner, having 2 daughters 18 months apart, getting married, then at 25, to just ‘stop’ with the love of my life, stop seeing my children every day and drop everything I knew, was just an incredible shock. Starting a new life with next to no money, no house and no furniture and battling mental health was an incredible test in life.
Tackling work during this horrendous time
During the following months of 2015 I suffered dramatically at work, I broke down every day, shut myself away and just wanted to be alone.
I had no inspiration, no motivation and just thought I wasn’t going anywhere in my career and there was no point and it was all my fault. I still wanted to progress and I still wanted to be a creative, I was just at a block in my life and felt I couldn’t get past it.
The thing is with being a creative, you receive feedback, sometimes great, sometimes healthy &constructive and sometimes just plain criticising your work with no motive. As a creative you learn to deal with this as it is what is expected, however, when you’re battling MH, you think it is just another hurdle that gets put in your way every day, another thing to smash you down.
The first step is always the most difficult
After weeks of just “contemplating” and procrastinating, I decided I needed to go get help or at least medicinal help. I was put on Citalopram at first to deal my MH and despite being a slow start, it eventually took the pain and emotions away during 2015, but ONLY a little bit, even just through the daytime whilst I worked it helped me.
This helped me understand my work load better and break things into chunks I could digest and improve my creativity as a result. I came out of my closed shell and spoke to my team more, this was the first step where I could think “I am a creative and I feel creative”.
My work conditions improved, I felt more involved in projects and felt I could have more of a laugh at work and actually enjoy peoples company as well as the main factor….I could work efficiently and creatively again. Outside of work I was a wreck, but at least I could finally put on a brave face at work. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but sometimes you have to rely on prescribed medicinal help just to ‘get you going’.
A slight improvement in my personal life
My personal life was slowly affected by my work life improving. I went on many walks around the local area, I got my car back from my ex-partner and started to get out and drive to see my friends and family more and more.
I still felt empty and depressed, but I could feel something slowly getting better inside me. I felt more important to be on this planet, more involved with life itself. I moved back in with my parents to stabilise myself before eventually moving on with someone and living with that person.
Nothing was perfect, I still suffered day to day, but gradually things were improving.
Moving forward and into 2016
I’m going to keep 2016 brief. I started ’16 with a positive mental attitude, spend more time with my family, work harder, make more money and explore more of the UK.
My work improved drastically as the year went on. I was in a constant stream of creativity and working my ass off. I was also promoting myself more on different platforms slowly but surely.
My personal life had improved (or so I thought) too, I met someone and after months of dating we moved in together. It seemed right at the time. I just still couldn’t shake the feeling of anxiety. I wasn’t happy, I was struggling to come to terms with my new life and I didn’t want to let my girlfriend down after 10 months together.
The thing is I hadn’t given myself enough time to move on and ‘find myself’. I’d rushed into everything because it’s what I was used to. I guess I moved on too fast and didn’t really know what I wanted, a bad choice on my part. It just didn’t feel like home and it was affecting my life and creating a dark mist around myself and my girls. I decided enough was enough and split up with my partner and moved out. This may seem harsh, but I was miserable and didn’t feel like myself. The key point is to make yourself (and your kids) happy before anyone else. It was time to ‘ground’ myself.
The turn of 2017
Come the turn of 2017 I was a lot happier, I felt comfortable and despite the sudden change of plans and a year I thought was going to be my own in 2016…..I felt healthier and grounded. Lincoln was for me, I was close to family and felt at home, finally.
I received counselling for a short period of time also, I’m still on the medication prescribed but a lower dose. It has helped me a lot over the past year or so. This was going to be my year. I was feeling a million x better about myself. I took up meditating. I was stable in life, I was happy, warm and most importantly, my daughters could see that, they could see their daddy was happier in life and this made them happy overall.
How did my creativity fair starting 2017?
I was still at the design agency Damage come the turn of 2017. I felt more and more creative, I was excited to work on projects (a far cry from 18 months to 2 years ago). Something was just missing. I still get stuck, like I’d hit a road block. Sure, my life had improved massively and my MH was in a better state by far which was excellent, but something was missing, I felt something big had to happen career-wise to shake me up and help progress me as a Web & Brand Designer. The thing is, I’d always wanted to go full time freelance and work for myself, but wasn’t sure when to take the risk. I had so many concerns and it’s not easy living with anxiety and the thought of leaving a consistent job role to go self employed and rely on yourself for everything. It had been revolving in my mind for a couple of years, but never seemed the “right time”.
Back in March 2017, I made the trip down to Falmouth with my family to visit my sister at university. This was a huge turning point, visiting a beautiful place like this made me realise there’s more to life and that life itself is too short, grab the things you want and don’t just stare at/think about them. I came back to work and decided to go full time freelance. It was a breath of fresh air.
Becoming a full time freelance creative
Starting out life as a full time freelance creative is always difficult, but especially so, when you have severe anxiety issues. Where will I get work from? How? When? How will I pay the bills? So many questions!
My MH was in the best state it had been in for years. I was my own person, more confident than ever and ready for the challenge ahead. I feel free, my creative juices are flowing more than ever now. I’m a happier person and LOVE working with different and exciting clients throughout the world.
I’ve changed my perception of MH and have found ways to improve it and take my mind off things that needn’t be worried/stressed about. Of course there are difficult days, there are days when I overthink everything but they are few and far between now and at the end of the day….I’m only human. I believe that trying to be positive and simple things like catching a break from the computer screen and going for a walk and clearing your head helps massively.
My current MH state
With my current MH state, I have days that I feel spaced out and find it difficult to deal with things. It never truly goes away, but I have ways of coping. When I’m working, everything goes away and I’m in the zone! I create something and feel productive. I write and feel I can get myself out there more, and help myself. I’m more open with family and friends. As mentioned above, I go for walks (which releases positive endorphins under sunlight) and talk with the girls whenever I can as well as having crazy fun weekends with them :D
It may sound preachy, but ultimately, taking the turn in life of going self employed has massively improved my outcome in life, I can spend more time working on exciting projects with awesome people and spend more time with my children, which reflects on a happier life for myself and all my family.
Thanks for reading my story, you can always follow me on Twitter. You can also check out my work on Dribbble or find out a bit about me: My Website
