Solitary Thinking

There’s no simplicity in thinking and there’s not much solace in thoughts. I’m not an expert in understanding the thought process but my intention is to expound on my perpetual state of thinking. The constant state of spinning the wheel without brakes. It’s constant and perpetual. Sometimes it’s unforgiving like a school master. It’s often said that one is capable of controlling their thoughts and while I concur with this general sentiment I believe there are exceptions. These exceptions are not related to the thought process itself but the individuals themselves.

I humbly class myself as one of these people. In statistical parlance, we are the outliers. We spend the best part of our time thinking whether deeply or lightly. Even while asleep the mind is still busy. Call my mind a journeyman.

Thinking has allowed me to delve into a realm rarely visited my mortals. Many who ever attempted this journey never returned. Yes, I’ve been fortunate.

I remember things with the clarity of a painter’s shoddy work still dripping with paint and with the clarity of the planetary bodies in an astrologer’s telescope. It is vivid. It is defined.

I have thought in the deep and the thoughts have been swallowed up. I have thought in the heights and they’ve been blown away with the tempest of my emotional trauma. I experienced it all, from the beautiful to the ugly and from the brightly lit skies to the darkest of the misty nights. I am not complaining.

Where are the mortals? I am a prince of men. Where are the strongmen? I have strength in depth. Where are the weaklings? I am the weakest of the sons of men. Where are the judges? I am super critical of all things. Where are the patient ones? I trouble no one. I am everything yet I blow not my trumpet. I let it lie fallow like a forgotten arable land yet it remain fertile.

Plant me the seed of peace on the soil of my mind and my heart shall know rest. This was my cry and still is. Drowning in my own tears even as I journeyed through the dream world. Mysterious yet refreshing, I am lost for words. I bask not in glory nor in the efficacy of my strength.

Sometimes my dreams and my thoughts merge seamlessly into one experience. Just last week I had a dream. I sang and cried in that dream only to wake up and find myself singing and crying still. Troubling you may think but perfectly normal to me.

I’ve tried really hard to be the master of my thoughts and I’ve failed so many times. Thinking is like the perpetual state of my existence. I used to revel in its power but now I see it more for what it is, trouble. Yes, it’s troubling to know you’re held captive by your mind.

Can I blame me or my mind? I desperately need to blame someone or something. A friend used to tell me to pull myself up. Then I stared at myself where I was and wondered, “how can I pull myself up from here?” For I was in a dump right at the base of a rock.

So I blamed my mind to be rid of the challenge, for it never gave me peace.

Enjoyed that read? Click the ❤ below to recommend it to other interested readers!