Top 10 Donald Trump Resolutions for 2021

FOTP Friday List for … December 31st, 2020

(Special New Year’s Eve edition)

1. That the United States goes down in flames and that when the book of the country’s demise is written, he is featured, 45 pounds thinner, astride a photo of it on the cover — like one of those “Left Behind” novels — orchestrating the destruction.
2. That Tom Brady divorces Gisele Bündchen and marries Ivanka.
3. That Jared Kushner is sentenced for securities fraud and Ivanka divorces him in anticipation of Brady leaving Bündchen.
4. That JFK in NYC is renamed TWA (Trump World Airport) and, if not that, that its new global departure building be renamed “Trump International Terminal.”
5. That not being president won’t derail his chances of getting Hope Hicks in bed.
6. That Putin will stop ignoring his calls.
7. That word of the number of polyps discovered (Six. Four troublesome) on his first colonoscopy are not released to the press.
8. That his neighbors in Palm Beach who don’t want him to establish his post-presidency residence in town die miserable deaths.
9. That Stephen Miller can get him the martial law protocols before January 6th.
10. That Michael Cohen is brutally gang-raped in prison and after repeatedly being asked “Who’s your daddy?” is forced to answer ‘Trump.’”