Dear Kosi,
A letter to my twenty year old self.
When people think of a mid-life crisis, they often relate it to men going out to buy an expensive car or finding a younger woman to run off with. For women, it may be more of a case of identity or their roles in the home and workplace.
A mid-life crisis is characterized by events such as a person’s age, a feeling of impending death, and a lack of “success” in life. There can also be other triggers such as a person’s parents dying or worrying about retirement or health concerns. These events may lead to depression, anxiety, and a need to change one’s life.
Kosi, I am thirty years old now, and I have done some pretty incredible things in my life. No, I do not have an MBA and I do not have a multi-millionaire business, but life is good. I am living my dream running my software design business and writing in my spare time. I am not married and Mom and Dad keep making comments on when marriage will happen. They keep reminding me I am not getting any younger. Remember how we used to think these were women problems? Well, turns out it is not. I have told her so many times that I do not wish to be married and that is okay and if that is God’s plan for me, then I will definitely feel his push and that push will certainly not be from her. They have left it alone for a while, but i know they will bring it up again at Christmas. Nnamdi even suggested I was gay at some point. (haha). Who knew we would get to a stage not having a babe, will make everyone label you a homosexual?
Remember how you could not wait to grow up and move out? Well, Kosi, we moved out and got a place in Garki we can confidently pay for. Haha and we get to keep a cat now! Nobody can say that you are harboring a spiritual thing. And plants! Who knew they were so relaxing? You have to learn to cook though, because it is not anyone’s responsibility to you. And also because even though you are now making some money, you can’t go squandering it all on eating out. At this point, you realize that even though Mama and sister Amara have been doing it all these while, it is not their birthright and you are not Papa.
Haha Kosi, I am proud to let you know that we now have a thick skin and that the things that people cannot say in front of us does not affect us. I have learned that people tend to project their own feelings and insecurities unto others. So when someone says something to you, whether good or bad, pay attention to the tone. And never take anything to heart. If you listen to too many opinions and try to follow all of them, you would just keep going round in circles without doing anything.
The journey these past ten years have not been rosy by any means. When we were twenty two, we faced what can only be called a midlife crisis. Mid-life because it seems it is the resolution or non-resolution of this crisis that would be what would lay the foundation for a lot of problems we would eventually face. I was scared Kosi, scared of turning twenty five. I thought this would mean that if i ultimately do not have my whole life planned and ready to go, i would be a failure. But now, I realize that it was just pressure.
It is amazing to have plans and goals that you wish to achieve, but Kosi, not all of them are tangible or for you. Some of your choices will change. You would realize two years into the university that you do not want to be an engineer anymore and the football career you thought might guarantee you a chance to go abroad does not work out. Ultimately Kosi after two years of failing engineering, you decide to be a computer scientist. They told you the change of course would make things easier. It did not, but we thank God. Telling dad you want to do this will be war, but you were headstrong and fortunate to do so.
It might take some time for you to love your body Kosi. With all the ridiculous trends and body shaming that occurs ever so frequently now, it is not a bad thing if you have moments where you fail to recognize your worth. But do not let it define you. Insecurities are a normal thing and the size of your penis is the one that God choose for you. There is nothing wrong with you. Not everyone would have a sick pac. You won’t die if you don’t have one, but you will die if you are not healthy.
Oh and when you finally meet Uju who you think you will marry, she will break your heart. When she does this, allow yourself to feel everything o. Because that girl really showed us. Cry Kosi, scream and shout in pain and do what you need to do to heal. Then adjust your tie and walk out the door. Don’t do hard guy hard guy please. I have learnt now that my vulnerability will not kill me. Kosi, I have learnt to cry and to talk about my pain. It helps me feel calm and human. They will call you a simp, but remember, you have thick skin. That is part of what makes you a man. Do not lose your self-awareness because it is the trend.
Someone brought me a contract to design a website and he wanted to pay a ridiculously low amount of money for it. An amount that would do nothing for me. See, it is good to take up opportunities to learn and help people for free, sometimes by volunteering, but when you have put a lot of hardwork into something and someone comes to insult you by offering you chicken change or something insulting, be calm, and tell them politely to stick it. It will pain you o, but let them know what you are worth Kosi. You are not a joke. Do not underestimate or undervalue yourself.
I have learnt some things that have really helped me become better, and at thirty five, I think I have hacked a part of the code. I only wished i did all this earlier, but that in itself is not a bad thing. It has served as the experiences that have come to shape me as a man.
Start now. If there is something about your life you dislike, start now to change it. Whether it be your job, body, relationships, or finances, start today to take control. Change it now, or it can turn into complacency. Don’t wait until a crisis happens to change.
Make progress on something that matters to you every day. Even if it is something small, doing an activity which brings you joy or excites you should be done each day.
Don’t stay in a job you hate. Your health, both mental and physical, are not worth a paycheck. Money is nice, but not at the expense of your health. Figure out what you need to do to find another job or support yourself, then get out. Sometimes you don’t realize how much stress you are under until you get rid of it.
Define success for yourself. Don’t let others define what success looks like for you. YOU define it for YOU and no one else.
Live a life true to yourself. Do what YOU want. No one has to live your life but you and you are the only person who can make YOU happy. Don’t be afraid of being yourself. Be happy. Follow your own path, not the path of others.
Get help. If you are struggling, get help. Don’t keep the anger, the depression or the anxiety inside. Talk to someone Kosi. You will see now that the society has begun to open itself to acknowledging that therapy is a healing process. Decide you will not allow life to control you anymore. I know it’s not that easy because I’ve been there but at least reach out to someone you trust and let go of those emotions.
Take care of your body. Exercise and eat well. This one is obvious, but when you reach your 30s and time goes on, your body doesn’t adjust like it did in your 20s. Trying to make up for all the lost exercise and bad diet doesn’t work when you are older. Maintain a regular routine of exercise and eating healthy starting early.
After looking back over the past year since my life has changed, I believe what I experienced was not necessarily a crisis, but a realization. I realized I no longer wanted to be in that dark place I was in. I no longer wanted to be unhappy or work at a job I hated.
But more importantly, I realized I would still be in a crisis if I remained in the life I was living. I would still be in a crisis if I kept drinking or if I didn’t take an honest look at myself and figure out what was wrong.
To get out of this crisis, I had to reinvent myself. I had to change.
For some reason, I hope that this makes you feel better and helps you to make decisions for the long term and not just because it feels right in the moment.
Sincerely,
You Future Self
