#7 — Overcoming Pain and Building New Life In School

She looked at herself in the mirror and wondered what is wrong with her that she had to be treated as a game!

She was beginning to feel hatred towards herself for being a fool and for being so gullible to trust someone so easily. She decided that this was not going to happen anymore.

She began to shift her focus to not think about the past or relationships anymore. She decided that she would do something more meaningful than to entwine herself in emotional tangles as she has seen in her friends of same age struggle with. She thought she should made more friends in school and try out new extra curricular activities to keep herself busy. She signed up for academic clubs, learned music and played sports with her classmates after school.

She made some really good friends in school. When she had enough to spend, she would join them outside once in a while but most times, she preferred to be alone because that’s when she need not really account for what she think or do to anyone.

Yet, she could not shake that feeling. That feeling of lost and boredom that she encountered after being out with friends or when her family was not around. Something she had never realised until she was really alone. She was afraid of being alone because boredom meant thinking unnecessary thoughts which led to more unhappiness and hate self-talks. She felt like there was a need to constantly be doing something. She was relying on someone else around to be happy, whether it was her friends or her family.

When she was with her friends, she would be the easy-going, happy-go-lucky girl in the group. She would say Yes to most plans and was always alright with anything they suggested. She was afraid that when she said something wrong or suggested something they didn’t like, they would reject her. Just like the previous group. Sometimes she did try. She suggested doing something more fun like going outdoors like cycling or try rock climbing, but they were not up for it. They would rather be playing games or window shop at malls. She quickly got tired of these mundane activities but had no idea what else to do other than sticking around with her friends.

For the remaining months of her school year, she started focusing more on her studies, made study plans, revised in the quiet serene library, participated in the CCA she signed up for and stayed committed to it. She also began to enjoy time at home, in her bedroom where she had decorated it to be her personal space.

School came and went quickly. That year she passed her exams with flying colours. From a failing student to one who did well, she had no idea how she did it. All she knew was she studied as a means to escape from feeling bored. When she did her homework and revisions, she was focused on them so that occupied much of her time. She loved studying while listening to music because it felt like she was in her own space where no one can disturb. She also found out she enjoyed reading a lot.

She kept herself busy at school. As a result, there had been some unwanted attention as well. There had been a few guys from other classes with whom she made friends with. They were all in the same school and it would be weird if she had totally shut boys off in her life, but she had always kept a distance. She was friendly and helpful but she would be reluctant to have extended text messages with them or stay on calls with them. She never once allowed herself to go out alone with them. She felt as though she had to protect herself from being hurt lest she fell again. Most times, she preferred going out in groups, if she did. She tried not to think too much about relationship matters because to her, they meant nothing but heartache.

She doubt she will ever let herself be in love again.