A Few Useful Things You Can Learn from Setbacks
When healthy habits don’t work, appreciate these temporary roadblocks
Once you think you’re finally embracing life with less friction, a setback ruins it. Then you go down the rabbit hole of Not again! This resilience thing doesn’t work for me. Now what?
Looking back at the time before you tried to change, the only difference is that now you can see why you’re triggered.
Otherwise, you can’t do much about it with all the physiological sighs, meditation, or affirmations you’ve been practicing for months. When things get tough, helplessness and anxiety linger inside you for days, even weeks despite all your psychological tools.
But setbacks are an unavoidable part of the journey. They show you where you’re still weak when life gets difficult. It’s usually your subconscious ideas about yourself and the world that need to change. So, be grateful for these blows, no matter how painful they are.
There’s a lot you can learn from them.
Not every emotion and condition is some pathology
Life is hard and you react to it with negative emotions. But many people try to ignore the feelings and act “tough”.
Instead, we should feel them as they occur no matter how unpleasant they are, and then move on. If you let down your guard and give space to these feelings, they will last shorter and a bit of anxiety will fall away because these emotional signals are natural and there’s no need to fight them.
Also, try to see your general anxiety in a new way — as excessive energy or excitement, and energy by definition isn’t bad. Anxiety gives you the power to deal with whatever is ahead of you, so just rephrasing it as “energy” can help you emotionally a lot.
This tension can be stored in your body as a subconscious memory of some traumatic experience, so you’ll get triggered although there is no real danger in sight. But you can unlearn this negative loop over time as your body learns to be safe and healthy habits create a healthier autopilot.
Finally, the pressure of all the things you “should” do throughout the day is making you hurried, frustrated, and scared. If you cut the list in half, you’ll decrease the tension you feel, so do only what you have to do for that day. With less pressure, it’s easier to strengthen the more positive part of you.
Unpleasant emotions are persuasive, so when you find yourself helpless or desperate, remember that situations and feelings come and go. Be ready to wait for better times and comfort yourself with love. After all, most things sort out on their own, without your intervention.
And then choose to do nothing.
Relaxation transforms it all
How can you afford to rest when you need to achieve so much and so many people rely on you?
You aren’t lazy if you pause. The real problem is that you keep choosing a shortcut to get to a good life because you can’t wait for things to develop naturally. And you’re being useful to others to get the love and respect you crave, so now you’re scared you won’t survive if they get angry at you for letting them down. Now’s the time to see yourself as good enough without constant productivity and people-pleasing.
Truth be told, you are making a difference with all your efforts. Most people give up on new habits easily and you’ve been building yours for months. With these healthy routines, life looks more beautiful and you can make yourself calmer in a few minutes without any distractions— something you were never able to do before.
But then you get a simple remark and lose your mind. Although you know the other party said it in desperation, you feel you deserve more respect. Now when you see how such a small thing has triggered you, you can’t calm down for days because it feels like you haven’t moved much on your road to change.
Still, there’s no quick panacea for well-being. In the beginning, calming techniques work only for milder negative states. It takes time to grow your capacity to handle uncomfortable feelings and overcome your triggers. So, when you feel you’re back in that dark hole, remember you haven’t exercised enough hundred of times to strengthen new healthy neural pathways, so focus on building them, not the calm you want right now.
Occasional overwhelm is a part of the road. When it all gets too much, pause and withdraw to recuperate your strength. Start to listen to your body more and appreciate rest, even if it lasts long. Downtime isn’t slacking, it’s a biological need that makes us stronger because with it we regenerate. So, instead of productivity, focus on comfort and self-appreciation. Be OK with building resilience one tiny step at a time.
You’ll be surprised to see how things develop after a while.
You see your shortcomings and difficulties in a healthier way
You got to feeling bad about life because you never felt you were good enough. This low self-image lies in your subconsciousness and is based on a few misjudgments from childhood.
When you realize these immature conclusions are absurd and you were too young to know better, you can finally see you aren’t broken. In fact, you are pretty unique and admirable. You’ve been through things other people haven’t and achieved a lot. You’ve given so much love and sacrificed for others. Can you even see the size of your kindness and perseverance?
You can’t go on with the same old beliefs and expect to feel better, so begin to appreciate your shortcomings as a unique part of yourself. Your “obsessiveness” helped you achieve what’s hard. Your “oversensitivity” made you realize the toxic workplace wasn’t for you.
How many times did you congratulate yourself for choosing well? No one is going to be there for you every time you feel down, so be your best friend and give yourself the tenderness you need.
All those days of trying to see the glass half full slowly take effect and the world will look different, too. You begin to see your setbacks as temporary because you’re more aware of the good side of life. You know they are inevitable on the way to living better. Now you are more optimistic about the future because you know everything good and bad eventually passes.
And sometimes, despite all the self-work, you’ll still get triggered, so maybe this is one of those times. Life isn’t a ha-ha sitcom.
Setbacks are a natural part of the journey
There will be a lot of wandering on your road to healing. You’ll try to implement so many pieces of advice until you get confused about what to do and burn out along the way. Then you’ll stop dazed.
As you take it slow, you’ll realize which way is yours and continue slowly.
Setbacks are there to tell us that we are not invincible. That life is much bigger than us, unpredictable as it is, and we can never get ready for everything.
But in every situation, there’s something we can do. The more we do healthy things, the more we feel in control, adapt, and don’t lose ourselves. So, let’s see setbacks as signposts that tell us where we are, not as catastrophic defeats. Growth happens when we shift perspective from “This is a doom” to “This is a clue”.
Feel your feelings. Take your time. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Reach out to someone non-judgemental to support you. Think about why you got triggered and what you can do next time to overcome the obstacle. See if you should modify your coping skills or expectations. And above all, be patient and persistent.
See the setback as a test of how committed you are to healing. Remember how beautiful your ultimate goal is and all the changes you’ve already made. No matter how backward it feels, every hurdle makes you one step closer to resilience.
And while you’re doing it, focus on what you like. Slow down, rest, and enjoy yourself, and change will be easier. Setbacks are there to tell us that life is much bigger than us but still doable when we do what we love.
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