An Unhurried Life — Part Three — Paying Attention
Part of the gift of being kinder to ourselves
In my second article in the Unhurried Life series, I talked about the importance of being kinder to ourselves and cultivating an attitude of being our own gentle friend. On the path to being able to do this we need to learn to listen to ourselves and to discern the kinds of messages that are floating through these beautiful minds of ours. How can we unhurry if our minds aren’t in the right place? How can we find balance if we are focusing on things that make us anxious and unhappy rather than things that uplift us and bring us peace?
A vital part of unhurrying is bringing our awareness into the moment and paying attention in that moment to what is happening within you, something Buddhists and wellbeing practitioners might call ‘mindful awareness’.
We hear the word ‘mindful’ everywhere these days and, when something is heard too often, it can cease to hold meaning for us and become just another part of the noise of an increasingly noisy world. When I talk about cultivating mindful awareness, I am talking about the practice of cutting through that noise. I am going to call it ‘paying attention’ because that is what we are really talking about. When paying attention, we are purposely giving our attention to this very moment, the one we are experiencing right now. The great thing about this, is that worries about the future and pain from the past can’t exist in the same space as our attention in this moment. The upshot of paying attention is that we are able to slice through the noise in our heads, and the noise of the world, to find a oasis of peace within ourselves.
Learning to pay attention has many benefits. It can act as an antidote against the attention deficit that plagues the twenty-first century by training the mind to focus on the person, experience or thing at hand rather than on miscellaneous other things that distract us from what is important. It helps us to discern what is important enough to warrant our valuable attention and take pleasure in giving it rather than dissipating our attention in meaningless ways. This practice enables us to focus better which helps us in our work, keep us safer and reaps untold benefits in our relationships as our friends, co-workers and family feel that we are giving them the gift of our undivided attention. When was the last time you gave, or received, undivided attention? Can you remember?
Nine times out of ten we don’t even give ourselves our undivided attention. And we need to. We deserve it, from ourselves and from others, for ourselves and for others. Paying attention in the moment creates a space for more meaningful exchange which, in turn, enriches our lives and the lives of those we come into contact with. We can lead by example by beginning today to practice paying attention in this moment and give the gift of our complete attention.
Like a muscle, our attention can be exercised. If you meditate, you will be familiar with the practice of bringing your awareness to your breath and, when your thoughts stray, gently bringing them back to the breath. I find this is a good place to start when I find that my attention muscles are not as toned as I would like. It is like wall Pilates for our minds, it strengthens our core and tones our attention muscles.
Something else I do is, when I am having a conversation with someone, however long I have to give them, I give them that moment completely. If my thoughts stray or I am distracted by something, I draw my attention back to the person. I do my best to really listen to what they are saying, properly hear (and, yes, there is a difference between listening and hearing) them and allow my attention to take in their nonverbal cues too. This practice benefits them and me. They benefit from the attention and feel special and valued, because they are, and I am able to actively listen which helps me to respond rather than react. I also have more information to work with and am getting a fuller picture of their mood, intentions and motivations. I am fairly good at achieving this when in conversation with others, I am less adept at achieving this in communication with myself.
When you have a quiet moment, maybe take a minute or two to listen to your inner dialogue, really hear yourself and what your heart, body and mind are communicating. If your thoughts stray, and they probably will, just listen. Where they stray to will also tell you something about where your head is. And, if you feel able and willing, you can go deeper into those thoughts, seeing them from a place of calm and distance, so that you can gain a new perspective on them.
The body communicates via wellness or illness and if we listen, we can catch the message before it becomes dis-ease. The same is true for our mind and our heart. If we cultivate our attention and listen to what body, mind and heart are trying to communicate, we can adapt so that our systems do not need to shout (dis-ease) to get our attention.
Our modern rushing lives are not conducive to being quiet with ourselves and I believe that is contributing to our levels of stress and anxiety. We need time to reflect, time to do a little emotional house cleaning and sometimes just to be still and commune with ourselves, with Nature, with those we love.
The Challenge –
In the days to come I am going to make time to be still with myself. Will you join me in this challenge? I am going to set myself three ten-minute slots; one to be still and listen to me, one to be still and listen to Nature and one to be still and listen to someone else. I am going to freely, peacefully and joyfully give them, and me, that moment and really hear them and really hear me. I shall allow myself to be aware of the thoughts that arise in me during these three ten-minute attentive moments and become aware of the feelings, needs and real message of the other person, me and of Nature. Perhaps next week I will be able to expand that to more moments, but this is a start, and every journey begins with the first step.
