An Unhurried Life — Part 2 — The Gentle Art of Being Kind to Ourselves
The necessary bedrock of an unhurried life
In my first article on the unhurried life, I discussed the difference between unhurrying vs slowing down and I challenged myself, and you, to practice the unhurried life. I use the word ‘practice’ because that is what we have to do. To change habits and patterns of behaviour that no longer serve us takes practice; repetition, time, patience and diligence. Somewhere I can hear at least one of you quoting Yoda saying “Do, or do not. There is no try.” But practicing is not ‘trying’ it is doing. It is doing, and doing, and doing, and doing some more, until we get really proficient at whatever it is we are practicing; whether that be an instrument, a sport or dealing with, and adapting to, life and all its myriad challenges. The latter, of course, is a lifetime job and one that we are unlikely ever to become ‘perfect’ at, however, we can get really, really, good at it and it isn’t a perishable skill.
Practicing an Unhurried Life
While, and since, writing my first article on the unhurried life, I have been putting unhurrying into practice. During this process I have learned a thing or two about the practice of unhurrying. One of those learnings is the subject of this article. Other insights will follow.
It is a difficult thing, to maintain a state of unhurriedness when you have been accustomed rushing around. The root of this rushing attitude, however, is not always simply that we have a million things to do in a limited space of time. It can be that this sense of rushing comes from negative emotions and negative self-talk that drive us through feelings of shame and unworthiness. It takes time and the cultivation of self-kindness to achieve a state where you are no longer succumbing to these feelings that are expressing themselves as rushing and hurrying.
I am not saying that we don’t all have very real deadlines and, probably too many, things that need to be done. We do not always have a choice as to how much is on our plates, but we do have a choice as to how we tackle what we have taken on. This is why self-kindness is so important.
Many of us, women especially, are taught from childhood to put others first, often to the detriment of ourselves, our own health and wellbeing. Few of us are taught that we may put ourselves first. And far too few of us are taught how to put ourselves first and when it is appropriate to do so. We so often forget to be kind and patient with ourselves even when we are exceptionally good at doing so with others. We lay on guilt and shame because we are not getting as much done as we think we should be getting done. Then, seeing that we need to make a change (or risk ill health, or worse), we feel bad because we aren’t even unhurrying, calming down or being mindful perfectly.
So, here is where we take the pressure off ourselves, OK? Firstly, let’s throw out the idea of having to be perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist, therefore it is not an achievable goal. Perfect is a stick we beat ourselves with, it is rarely a positive motivation for real improvement. What we are looking for here, though, is improvement, slow steady improvement with a built-in knowledge that there will be times when we do not even achieve this. But that is OK, those are the times, days or weeks when we learn what kicks us off our path and when we also learn how to get back onto it again. Win, win.
There are no rules as to how long this process might take and, like me, you might fall off the unhurrying wagon more than once before you get really good at this unhurrying lark. That is completely OK. Nobody is perfect at something the first time they try it. That is why I say this takes practice. So let’s give ourselves a break, pat ourselves on the back for the times we have succeeded, and just keep practicing.
I am full of gratitude for the moments I have succeeded in unhurrying. The last few weeks since I started writing the initial article have seen wonderful moments when I knew I was really able to unhurry my mind and body and give myself joyfully to the moment. I was able to ease into a flow that seemed to lift my spirits and reduce anxiety and pain. I was able to connect more easily with others and myself and I felt more creative and free in my thoughts. What a gift!
But, truthfully, there were so many moments when I caught myself rushing out of habit, out of a negative mindset, because I didn’t take the time to breathe into the moment, or because I just forgot to be unhurried. However, I began to be more aware of the times when I was doing this and that gave me the opportunity to reset, improve my inner dialogue and ease my mind down into something at least close to unhurrying.
Sometimes life takes you over and there doesn’t seem to be space enough to remember the smart ways of coping, you are just firefighting and that is all you can think about, it is all you have mental space for. If this is you too, don’t beat yourself up, you are not alone. It is at these times when it is vital to remember only one thing; to be your own best friend. If you can master that (and if you are anything like me, it will take time) then you will always have a steadfast friend on your side. For those of us who have survived deep trauma, and that may be all of us, being our own best friend is hard, very, very hard. But it is doable. It is often hard enough for us just to be kind to ourselves, much less trying to be our own best friend so, for now, we are just going to concentrate on being kinder to ourselves.
Once or twice, (OK, it might have been more than that), over the last few weeks, I have recriminated myself for not doing what I had committed to do, for not succeeding in unhurrying… and then I reminded myself to be kind. I am not coming to these understandings from a point of ease, but from a messy, beautiful, challenging, complex life that often requires a juggler’s expertise to handle…and I drop the balls all the time. Just like you, I have very real life-challenges that make the cultivation of an unhurried life both challenging and completely necessary for survival and thrival. At this point in my life, learning to live an unhurried life is a necessity, not a luxury or a spiritual quest born of much navel contemplation. Being kinder to myself is a vital life skill I must learn to be able to exist with any joy. And, if this is true for me, I will lay bets that it is also true for you.
It is so important to learn to be kind to ourselves. For all of us, there will be times when it is just us, alone, and there is no one at hand to be kind to us and show us that we are loved, good and valued. We need to cultivate this skill, and skill it is, because it will help us survive life’s storms. It will keep us alive when life has knocked us down and it is hard to get back up. It will help us define what our needs are and how to fulfil them. It will help us to connect with others and see the wounds and the beauty in them. And it will make us better, gentler, kinder, more understanding people to others and to ourselves. Many of us have an intolerance of our own imperfections, but we are all flawed, without exception, and those ‘imperfections’ can be beautiful and endearing. Anyone who truly believes themselves to be perfect is either a pathological narcissist or a sociopath. I hope we can all agree that both of those states are deeply undesirable.
You deserve to be kind to yourself. It is the root of all self-healing. In fact, you cannot heal without learning to be kind to yourself. I suppose this encompasses the concept of self-soothing; something we have to learn how to do as adults once childhood passes and it is no longer possible or appropriate for the parent to maintain that role. And, yes, I know, this is not always easy but that is why it takes practice and perseverance. It is worth it. You are worth it.
How to be Kinder to Yourself?
Starting Small
I won’t lie to you, this has been a hard road for me to navigate because being kinder to ourselves requires that we feel that we are worth kindness, from others and from ourselves. And many of us battle with feelings of unworthiness, do we not? So, just like unhurrying overall, I suggest small moves. Little changes can reap big rewards here, and they are cumulative. There is so much self-help advice out there about this and much of it advocates some combination of therapy, affirmations, breathing, nutrition, complimentary therapies, meditation and, heck, probably yoga, all of which is valuable and can help enormously on our journey. I have tried, and to some extent, use them all. But there are little things you can do that speak volumes to your inner self.
Next time you shower or bathe, brush or comb your hair, put on make-up, put on or take off clothes, become aware of how you are doing these things. Are you perfunctory, harsh, your mind in ten different places rather than taking these opportunities to be gentle and present with yourself? Truthfully see how you are treating yourself in these moments where self-care is possible. There is no guilt here, just insight.
So, this is the challenge. In these moments where it is just you, be a little gentler, kinder, give yourself a little smile in the mirror and if this strikes you as silly, go ahead and laugh, it will do you good! If you have the time, give your face a little extra massage while you put on moisturizer or beard oil, learn a couple of manual lymphatic drainage techniques off YouTube. Slow down and be gentler when you apply hand cream or bodywash as if you are giving comfort in that touch, because, that is what you are doing. If you catch yourself having a harsh internal conversation, perhaps bring in a kinder internal voice, find some understanding rather than recrimination, shame or guilt.
All big things, the good and the bad, begin in the details, it is just that we don’t notice until they have grown large enough where we can’t ignore them. Like many things in life, the little ones are often the most profound. The big things hit us like a ton of bricks or raise us sky high. The little things add up, they form foundations one brick at a time. You almost don’t even notice them until they have constructed an edifice so beautiful or so terrible you wonder how it was ever made at all. Since we would usually wish to have a beautiful, rather than terrible, structure in our hearts and minds, it is important to pay attention to the little messages we tell ourselves and the messages we allow to be absorbed from outside ourselves.
So, this next phase of the unhurried life is becoming aware of our internal dialogue and the ways we treat ourselves; those small moments of self-care, or the opposite. Our challenge is to be a little kinder to ourselves, a little more understanding, a little gentler. We are not talking about big gestures here, just little, sustainable changes to how we treat and talk to ourselves. Today we cultivate the seed that will grow us into a beautiful tree, grounded in the Earth with its branches in the stars. These small moments of self-care and self-kindness are the sun and rain that will nourish that seed of ourselves even when there seems to be no one else in our lives to help us. If we can learn to be truly there for ourselves, we will never be alone again.
