Elden Ring
Putting it Bluntly Game Reviews with Cory Showtime
This. Game. FUCKS!
Folks, I don’t know if you’ve heard of From Software or the Dark Souls franchise, but they’re kind of a big deal. They’re pretty much taking over all of gaming that doesn’t involve sports or tactical shooting. These guys are the reason “souls-like” is a term in gaming. Oh, also, their games are hard as FUCK. I’m talking harder than me; standing in front of Rihanna naked, bent over, and smiling at me. Harder than a Vibranium dildo covered in diamonds. DIFFICULT.
From Software games are so difficult that they should be an even BIGGER deal in the gaming world but their games turn off the average gamer. But From Software has a crazy, insane cult following of masochistic gamers. Gamers that know that if you put the work into actually getting good at their torture-porn, you’re in for some of the most beautiful, satisfying, and enjoyable gaming experiences there are to be had. And they just gained one more.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I picked up Dark Souls years ago, got about 45min into the game, made a wrong turn into the graveyard, promptly got my ass handed to me by enemies well above my paygrade, and never picked it back up. From Software ain’t about that “on rails” life: even in their more linear titles. These developers are dicks to your need for gratification. I swear its like they said “Hey, we made an AWESOME game and we’re not telling you SHIT! If you can’t figure it out or get past a boss you suck! Be better!” So, I missed out on what is ultimately one of the best games of all time simply because I didn’t know what I was doing, and didn’t care enough to Google how. And the tricky thing with Dark Souls was that it was linear and you either had to keep trying over and over again to beat a certain boss, or farm bots for XP to get powerful enough to have half a chance. That was one of the games few flaws.
Elden Ring is From Software’s Mona Lisa. This game is a MASTERPIECE and I’m only 7–8 hours into what is sure to be hundreds, yes HUNDREDS of hours to complete. Elden Ring is From Software taking what they learned from all their past games, mixing it together, and churning out what might be the best open-world action RPG of all time. Elden Ring is just as hard, if not harder than Dark Souls, but simultaneously much more FAIR. Getting your ass handed to you by a boss? Fuck off and go in another direction…for literal miles. Come back to this or DON’T. You will find quests and secrets and storylines in any direction you go.
First and foremost, this game is GORGEOUS. At first it can seem grainy but that’s only until you realize you’re playing a game that has its own very unique, gothic style. Its basically a very HD upgrade of Skyrim, written by H.P. Lovecraft. The scale of this game is IMMENSE. You feel completely enveloped in this world the developers have created. Every plant moves with the wind, there are particles in the air of dust and snow and embers. Your character’s outfit flows with the wind and your movement. And every character, from the NPCs to the creepy and massive bosses are drawn with an insane amount of detail. And the bosses/monsters are MASSIVE. You legit feel like you’re fighting a skyscraper with a battle axe sometimes…in fact, I’m damn near POSITIVE that’s a boss you have to fight at some point.
Next, this game plays like a dream. The combat is initially hard to figure out because, as I explained earlier, From Software enjoys all the things it does not tell you. Learning the different moves, skills, and techniques of each weapon are as much fun as leveling them up to make the ultimate foe hammer. But its tough to learn the timing of the very basic controls. You have light attack, heavy attack, dodge, block, etc., and these are technically enough to beat any boss in the game with any loadout with enough skill. Hell, I still haven’t figured out how to parry and when to roll, which can lead to a long and painful lesson from many characters in this world. But as you progress thru the game; as you collect newer and cooler weapons, learn the mechanics, and modify the attributes, you find yourself becoming a dangerous mage or warrior or bandit. And along the way, you look down at your watch and think to yourself “Holy shit! I’ve been playing this game for hours.”
What truly sets this game apart from the other trials and tribulations of life that From Software calls their games, is the open world layout. The Lands Between are absolutely STUNNING. There are golden trees on the horizon that buff your character at night. There are special bosses and enemies that are region and timing specific. There are endless dungeons, nooks, crannies, and corners to explore and exploring is genuinely rewarding. Say you’ve been fighting the Tree Sentry for hours with your starting armor and weapons because SPOILER ALERT, there’s a massive and insanely difficult mini-boss literally right in front of you at the beginning of the game. Most people will look at that guy and “Nope!” the fuck out of that situation. So, say you’ve finally decided to take a break from this fight. You go off exploring the world and come across a special shield that can stagger your foe whenever they hit it, leaving them open for a critical hit. So the first thing you wanna try it on is that sentry. And even if you still get your ass kicked, you just spent about 3hrs not even in the fight, just exploring. Or, what is also likely to happen, is that you continue looking in that direction and find a completely different set of frustration. That’s the beauty of Elden Ring: every part of this game just BEGS you to give up your time to explore it.
Elden Ring is already game of the year. I’m calling it now. I’ve seen enough. Because even tho this game can feel like it was designed by Jigsaw, it still gives you every single thing you could even ask for. One thing that I can’t wait to explore more thoroughly is the multiplayer options; both PvE to deal with these horribly massive and painful demonic entities, and PvP for when you’ve leveled up so much that you wanna take on regular humans that weren’t programmed specifically to make you sad. For most bosses you’re allowed to summon spirit animals to fight with you, NPC-controlled allies to team up with, or you could just team up with your buddies and lose together.
THE VERDICT: This is the first time I’ve done this for a game. 100% Chronic on the Bammer Scale. This is the best Tangie I’ve ever tasted. This is some of the greatest Purple Urkle I’ve ever smoked. This is a goddamned moonrock. I am genuinely, completely, and utterly impressed by what the guys at From Software have produced. As I type this, I’m thinking of the weapon I can unlock fighting the invader in Roundtable Keep, exploring Murkwater Cave, and finally getting past that asshole Margit The Fell Omen and venturing into Stormveil castle. Elden Ring is one of those games that will keep you up all night and skipping responsibilities to play it. I own a ton of video games and I play all of them, but this could very easily be the only game you need. This game could very well not be for you, but you’d be a damned fool not to try.
