Recently I’ve been waking up at night, thinking of a unique UX idea, or a really interesting aesthetic for a product I’m working on. It sucked waking up in the middle of the night and feeling really exhausted all the next day, but I thought, “Hey, I must be a really passionate designer, who really cares about my work.” and I would be right about that.

I do care a lot. But all of the sudden today, I realized that I may be putting too much of my self-worth into my work. There are certain parts of my life that should be off limits to work. There’s more to me than my work. I started wondering if the amount of thought (and over-thought) was being well spent, or somewhat wasted. Maybe I could reserve some time and energy to keep myself from becoming overwhelmed.

Some Retrospect

Thinking back on the last few years, I’m very proud of my accomplishments, but I don’t think I want the next few years to look the same. I want to be an enjoyer of life, of this great city I live in (Austin, Texas) with so many great friends, and of my family, and of nature. I am a designer. I’m not half-bad. But I would consider my time better spent keeping my work at the office.

I need to make a caveat here. My work/life balance is completely in my own control. It’s not the result of a demanding job. I work at Funsize, where they have the best focus on work/life balance of any place I’ve ever even heard of. It’s not their fault. They’ve gone out of their way to make this easy on me. But, I have the ambition to be really good at what I do. I’ve created a standard for myself that is damaging to the ratio of peace to work in my life.

I read in an article somewhere that employees at Apple’s headquarters would always take the stairs. This was because Steve Jobs would take the elevator. If you rode the elevator with Steve, he would ask you what you were working on, and this would result in one of two outcomes; 1) He would think it was a waste of time and fire your ass. 2) He would take great interest in your project and make your life a living hell, demanding perfection until you quit. Basically, encountering Steve Jobs, meant your job at Apple was about to end… badly.

Unsurprisingly, later I found out that was just a myth. A former employee of Apple simply said,

Steve had a very low tolerance for people who didn’t care about stuff. He had a very hard time understanding why people would work in these positions and not want to sacrifice everything for them.

I really thought about that statement. It seemed so real and made so much sense to me. I identified with it.

Today I was doing some reflecting though. And like I mentioned, I don’t really want to spend the next few years experiencing the same drain of giving more than I should, without taking the time to fill myself up. Writing for instance, is something I have not been able to bring myself to do, just a little article like this one. It’s like I didn’t want to pause and left myself reflect, because I might talk myself out of caring too much.

I knew I should be taking time for myself, but when I had the opportunity to just relax or work, I would either choose work, or regret choosing to relax because I would worry whether I was really relaxing or not and maybe I should have just gotten something done. This was a habit I formed a few years ago when I was a freelance web designer. I had my own business, and anytime I was relaxing, was time I could have been earning money, and becoming a better designer.

Designer Among Designers.

I’ve always felt a little behind the curve on design. Especially since I’ve moved to Austin. Now, half of my friends are designers; better designers than me; and I admire the hell out of them. I’ve always wondered if they knew some secret that I didn’t quite get. It’s like the good designers just know when to do something that’s slightly cliché and then add their own spin to it. Or when to try something totally unexpected by anyone and turn everyone’s head.

It’s entirely possible that every designer, if they’re even slightly humble, feels this way sometimes. In fact, it may be that the designers that don’t appear to be humble really think of their work lower than they’d have you believe. At any rate, getting to understand whatever it was they’ve understood, that I didn’t, was what I have been after the last few years. Striving to be as good as certain designer idols, and to be recognized just feels like the worst way to get anywhere. After all, the people you admire, probably didn’t get to where they are by trying to be as good as any particular person. Although I don’t really know. I’m not one of those people yet, so I can’t really assume.

Keep The Tank Full, and Keep on Truckin’

It feels like I am on the verge of understanding something important though. You have to stop and smell the roses. You have to have experiences of your own, weekly, daily, that keep you inspired in your own way. These things have to be your own. These things are necessary fuel for creativity and work ethic. It keeps us going for the long term.

This is what I mean when I say I’ve been taking myself too seriously and my design career too seriously. I need to remember to fill the tank. At this point I’m starting to feel like if I tried to control where I’m going less, and focused on my day-to-day inspirations, things may fall into place with more simplicity.

Like most I’m just figuring stuff like this out as I go. And it’s great to learn if you’re not alone! Please comment or reach out if you’ve ever felt the same way or want to add to these thoughts.