She Cries Beautifully
Thoughts in the middle of a fight
She looks so beautiful while she cries, curled up on the bed, clutching a pillow by her face. She’s always beautiful, I’m just struck by how it carries over to when she’s expressing hurt.
I’m worried that her beauty manipulates me into making bad decisions that I wouldn’t make in front of someone who wasn’t so pretty. She’s crying because of me, but not at me, she’s just frustrated like I am at how everything isn’t working out between us. I’m sitting on the edge of the bed. I’m fully dressed, sex was a while ago, she’s only partially dressed.
I got dressed because a long time ago I once had a fight with a girlfriend as I was getting dressed, and I only got as far as getting my socks on before the fight took precedence over dressing, and as the fight got more serious I felt more ridiculous. I decided after that time that in the future I’d never let myself be disadvantaged like that again. You never know when you might want to storm out, or chase after someone storming out.
I’m quieter now, it’s been a long time since I’ve raised my voice in a fight. These days I don’t worry so much about having my voice heard as I worry that I’m not being myself. It has the unintended effect of making me seem colder as I think about whether or not the decisions I make are because of my…
