An Excerpt from Dr. J Lemonsky’s Medical Memoir

A Take on Masculinity and Its Relationship with Feminism.

In today’s day and age, it’s hard to look at the male population and not think, “Wow, guys, great job fucking things up.” Two World Wars and the concept of a credit score have painted us in a pretty bad light, fellas, and I can’t exactly blame any persons who thinks so.

In fact, there’s a lot of privilege that men have that we don’t know about. For starters, we cook our eggs better, and we can drive a car after a few brewskis (especially if the football game is bad). I could go on — the laundry list is huge, but hey, we don’t have to do laundry.

Anyways, there’s something you must know.

It’s not easy to talk about, and I know I will be an outcast among my peers for bringing this up. But I’m tired of pretending that men have it easy. I’m tired of acting like we don’t have it just as bad. Fellas, it’s time to tell the world about something that we all experience:

A Period.

First off, to the non-male-identifying audience, let me explain to you (as a man), what a period is. See, when a uterus’s stomach decides to not have a baby every month, it starts to do what those in the scientific community call “loog.” And it hocks a big one.

All of the blood in the body starts to explode from a woman’s many reservoirs, nearly killing them. And when it’s all over, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, the intestines rebuild itself and the process starts again in five to ten business days.

Now that we’re all educated, we can all agree that SUCKS. Right? Like, it sounds pretty rough. But, you know nothing of pain until you’ve experienced a man-period — A.K.A.,

“a refractory period.”

Yes, there comes a time when all men experience this. But what exactly causes it? Scientists scratch their heads like monkeys in a Verizon store, trying to figure out why the rectangular shiny glass banana makes so much noise. All we know is: it sucks.

Some men don’t have this issue, but many of us aren’t “some men,” okay? Maybe I’m just tired. I do work hard, after all.

It’s not impotence, it’s just… importance.

I’m a very important man, I have a lot on my mind.

How can you fix this issue? Well, there’s a lot you can do, even if you don’t experience this yourself. Here’s three ways to get involved:

1. Send me money, directly to my PayPal. Nothing says “I hope your period doesn’t last too long” like dollar signs.

2. Like every single photo on our social media platforms. Validation is key in making sure a man doesn’t go through his period alone.

3. Fresh fruit is a MUST HAVE. Throw it at the old folks’ home to make yourself feel better. Don’t forget to blare WWII ambience and shout at them while you do it.

You know, in this world, it’s either swim, or sink. Times change, and you gotta get with it. But let’s not forget about the real issues at hand. Don’t leave men in the dark just because we’ve caused every single unprecedented event, and continue to destroy everything in our path. I promise, we can change. And YOU can be the one to change us.

- Dr. J Lemonsky