From dad: Important lessons on love & relationships. ❤
At the moment of writing, my son is about 130 days old today. Here i share a learning I want to document and will share with him once the time is right. If you are not Lucas - I hope this will add value to your life. If you feel like it, leave a comment and make it better.
So there will be a time when you’ll start to fall in love with another person. There will be a moment where your mum and I will meet this other beautiful person. Perhaps, you’ll meet your true love when you turn fifteen. But there are high chances that you’ll have a few relationships before you find ‘the one’.
Let me start with a disclaimer here. Remember, I’m just your dad - not a love doctor. Before your mum and I became a couple, I did had (some) other relationships. Also. I have no idea if you’ll turn out to be gay or not. If you are, power to you. If you’re not, also great. Potatoe | Potátoe. For the sake of this letter I’ll refer to the opposite sex instead of making this a whole gender neutral thingy.
The first year of love, and the danger of the White Knight.
Let’s start with an interesting fact about love. Research shows [1 ]that in approx. the first 12 months of a relationship, you will not be yourself. There are neurotransmitters in your brain which will change you into a white knight in shining armour. It’s true.. I experienced this for myself.
Although I didn’t have shining armour. I changed into the romantic Christobál David Marquis… I was the pleaser, Mr. Romance himself. Like I experienced, once you fall in love, you’ll gain the superpower to put your own goals, values (even irritations) aside and run to the rescue whenever duty calls. You’ll have the courage to last-minute cancel on your buddies and you’ll answer your phone ( or whatever you use in the future) whenever the black mirror lights up. You’ll do anything for love. Because that’s what you do right? Anything[2]…
This is all fun and dandy for the short term, because this will be rewarded by your date! And of course this happens. You’re litteraly doing anything to make her happy.
But BEWARE for the long term. Because the test is still to come. There comes a time when the magic power stops. Suddenly, things will start to feel ‘normal’.
You’ll want to hang-out with your buddies again and you’ll notice that she has a morning temper. The way she eats chicken legs isn’t all that sexy anymore.. ( Was it ever?)
There comes a time when that shining armour you were wearing feels heavy. And that you want to be yourself. “ Not reply right away. Not being in service of someone else and taking some time for yourself.” The danger from being a white knight is that your lover will grow accustomed to something you can’t keep up. And of course she’ll be accustomed to that comfort - who wouldn’t?! Although there is nothing wrong with being kind, being a gentleman and going the extra mile — be careful you to stay true to yourself. If you live your life in service of someone else, you kill yourself…
Will she still love and like you when you drop the armour? When there doesn’t appear to be a white horse? When you happen to wear only Crocs[2] and white sport socks? Or when you finally are not ashamed to show off the fact you can lip-sync every Star Wars film? Will she have trouble leaving you alone with another girl?
This has been a big learning for me.. To be completely honest with one another. To be comfortable to say what you think, no matter how crazy it sounds. It’s what builds the foundation of trust.
One mistake I made is to think that people are static creatures. I used to think I was the same person at age 18 compared to myself when 25. That the only thing which changed is your body and memories. But boy was I wrong.. In fact we change all the time. I’m not the same person now you’re reading this. (I’ll be old, bald and grey.) At the moment of writing, I’m 28, I still have hair and I’ll probably have a different look on life.
When you’re in a relationship, always remember you’re growing as an individual. You’ll create new habits, be introduced to new adventures and make different decisions based on your shared visions. Figure out if you want to be the person you’re turning into. Don’t try to be something you’re not and NEVER lie to her or yourself. It will always come back to haunt you. Which is unnecessary, time-wasting and hurts like hell..
Be sure you’re able to let your guard down. To let your mind speak without it feeling weird. To talk to her as if you’re talking to your best friend. Because, if she isn’t already, she’ll be soon enough! Only when I realised that, I found the chance to make a partner out of my lover.
So I thought I’d make this a bit more practical. I drafted this timeline with my amazing drawing skills which you can take some inspiration from. Although it doesn’t contain all the events, it’s a simple draft of some important steps in growing together. I guess if people read this and have some additions they’ll leave it in the comments below!
So you’ve past the first year. Congrats. Now it begins.
In 2003, when I was in highschool, I was playing on the XBOX with my best friend at the time. Although we were just 14 and playing videogames. We had quite deep conversations about life and love. Picture this: At the time your dad was a chubby teenager. Insecure, overweight and had the worst feel for fashion. (I had a black shirt which had flames on it. Terrible stuff, ask your Aunt about this.) Anyway… We were great in preparing conversations we’d never have, defining SMS’s[4] we never sent or thinking about how some of these girls were way out of our league. We philosophised deeply about our romantic futures. ‘How would I ask my future wife to marry me?’ All the things I would do for her. All the dates I would organise. The holidays I would take her to. I was a clear example of a soon to be White Knight! It was also the time we came up with a promise to ourselves. It’s a philosophy which I kept true to, no matter what.
“ The idea is simple. In life, you’ll come across many people. And some you fall in love with. The chance that you find love at first sight is slim. Which means that when you grow a bit older, people will have had other relationships. While love is a great thing, it’s also very sensitive. It can give big joy and big grief.
I’ve come across people who never let me close. Which were deeply hurt and who had some serious trust issues. Although it’s totally fine and normal that in some cases love doesn’t work out and you break-up. You should always ask yourself this question: “ Will I leave her better than when I found her?”
If the world would leave their lovers better than when they found them, the world would be a far better and happier place.
So that’s why in the timeline you see some checks noted. If you’re in a serious or longer relationship, check with her what her future plans are. What are her thoughts on marriage? Does she want kids in the future? Is her dream to start a B&B in Spain? Or to watch Netflix all day for the rest of her life? All important stuff since it will also impact your future. (if you stay with her.) Now, don’t overreact. Don’t pin her down on this, or become scared when she says those things. Philosophise together, talk, ponder and just take it into account. If you feel like her plans are totally different than yours, tell her. Share your plans, your views and discuss even more.
Time is a completely different thing to a woman than to a man. At a point, she will need to decide if she wants a family. There is only a limited window for her to raise a family of her own. If you’re dicking around, not sure about if you match and not figuring that out, you’re wasting time. If your plans don’t match and that’s all clear with her, fine. Have fun and create memories without any expectations. I had those relationships — they were awesome. Just remember, after breaking up with you she has to find someone else, fall in love, get through the first period of the relationship. Discuss future plans with her new partner etc. etc. etc.
If this is the conclusion, and you’re breaking up.
Do it properly. No phone calls/skype/whatsapp/holograms or any of that funny business you do in the future. Be honest, open, reasonable, personal and do all your best to leave as friends. Also take time for this. Plan at least four hours for a talk and leave a buffer for after ‘the talk’. It takes time, energy and enhances stress depending on your emotional resilience.
Think about it. If you’re honest. Her heart won’t be shattered. She’ll have a great memory from you, she learned to be a better person, you created some nice memories and she can move on with someone else without the hassle. If her heart is broken, give her time to heal, perhaps comfort her if she wants, but be careful with giving her hope if you don’t want to give it!
Love ❤ is too precious to play around with. Don’t do that type of stuff.
The one
I guess the other points in the timeline speak for themselves. If you decide to stay with her, be her best-friend and her lover. Talk, give her room and allow room for yourself. Try to become strong independent individuals, but above that: a powerful team. Once you’re in the last phase ‘ the one.’. Your job is to keep falling in love with her and vice versa. Remember she’ll change, she won’t be the same person since you guys met. She’ll grow into someone else just like you! You need to grow with her. Your views will change, your opinions will adapt and life changing events will alter the way you view the world. That’s why listening & talking are so important. I sketched this out below.
Look, like I said. I’m not the expert or the love doctor. And remember, I just entered phase three myself. At the time of writing this I’m not even thirty yet.
But here these are my two cents from a younger me. When this is all still fresh in mind and I’m I haven’t turned into that old man yet. Haha.
Hope this helps son. If you want to discuss this in more detail, free your (and my) schedule, buy your old man a drink and write down your questions.
I’m always happy to help out.
Love,
Dad.
Annex:
[1] http://lmgtfy.com/?iie=1&q=your+brain+when+in+love
[2] Hope YouTube is still around in the future, check out this classic.
[3] Crocs are super ugly, but comfortable shoes, which were popular in the ’00s. I’ll be probably be wearing them by the time I’m 50 if they still exist. Only when your mum is not around though. If she finds those, she’ll burn them.
[4]An SMS is a short message of 160 characters we used to sent with our Nokia 3310. Check out wikipedia if it’s still around!
