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The Ghost

I didn’t really lose you, I just lost it for awhile — Neil Halstead

I hang on to ghosts to make me feel less alone in a world that gets colder daily. Having walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I don’t fear evil… but I do fear how deafening the quiet is.

I am not entirely alone. I have love. But there is a part of my brain that feels like it has become a dusty library. There is a part of my brain that misses the lightning strikes of collaboration and inspiration.

“Tornadoes start in the outer edges of hurricanes.”

I miss the dark days of the 90s. Brit pop and tight pants. The world was in technicolor and we were all drowning in optimism, cigarettes and hard liquor. The audacity of Zooropa. The nascent thrill of the Internet. The angst and awe of Heaven or Las Vegas. Reality Bites. Etc. “You’re all a bunch of slackers…” Boomers chided from the comfort of their paid-off homes. Eye roll, move on.

The thing with ghosts is that

Sometimes in life we meet people who help us make sense

People who mirror our idiosyncrasies to us

People who let us know our brand of crazy is their brand of crazy and therefore, there’s a world in which it’s normal

There is a world in which this is the primary language spoken…

a world where we are not aliens.

Who wouldn’t hold on to ghosts like this?

For me, they generally listened to The Cure too much, waxed heavy on philosophy, had a penchant for minor chords and existential suffering brought on by evangelical Christian guilt. A strong obligation to duty with a rambling sense of purpose. We do good things… why? Fear.

But what have we become?

This is what I wonder more and more as some disappear into the ether, some become facsimiles of boomers themselves and some become post evangelicals evolving into a better incarnation…

I find I miss a world I can never have again

but if everything is happening all at once

maybe it never left

maybe I did

maybe I can return

Sometimes I wonder if people show up at a time in our lives just to save us

and then disappear so we can learn to save ourselves.



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