Become a Sleep God Through “Micro-napping”

Could thousands of one-second naps throughout the day completely replace your normal eight-hour sleep schedule?

To find out, I sat down to breakfast with Joseph Tart, a 32-year-old anesthesiologist who swears by this insane trend.

“What got you into micro-napping? What are the benefits?”

Joseph: “First of all, you waste a third of your life basically just being dead, that’s science. Sleep is a social construct. Since I started doing micro, my entire night is open — Now I only sleep when I have little breaks during the day, like when I’m at work or driving.”

“You sleep while driving?”

Joseph raises his hand as if in class.

“Yes, Joseph.” I point.

Joseph looks around to make sure I was calling on him. “Great question. Great question.” He slowly slides me a $1 bill across the table. “I’ll have the prime rib and a blueberry parfait,” says Joseph politely to the waiter serving the table next to us. “Make it rare. Well done for the parfait.”

“Interesting breakfast order,” I remark amusedly.

Joseph: “Breakfast?” Joseph chuckles, pouring out our entire pitcher of water onto the tablecloth. “I wake up and fall asleep thousands of times a day. Every meal is breakfast, lunch, and dinner, all at once.”

“So you’d say micro-napping has allowed you to live a freer lifestyle?”

Joseph: “Oh yes, you’re in for a treat.” Joseph blinks vigorously for about 30 seconds. “You may be impressed to hear this, but I just took one hundred naps while you were sitting there doing nothing with your time.”

“Very impressive. And you feel rested from doing that?”

Joseph: “Hardly. I feel positively refreshed.” Joseph leans over and gives me a gentle kiss on the forehead.

“You know, while I was sleeping just now I had this crazy dream. You and I were on a big pirate boat, and you were the captain but you were also my dad. I tried to tell you about the leeches… oh yeah, there were a bunch of leeches in the boat.

Also we were both wearing big orange bowties and it was Christmas Eve. I kept yelling ‘LEECHES LEECHES LEECHES,’ but you were on an important business call and it was past my bedtime. Then I woke up. There were 99 more dreams.”

“What about side effects? Do you ever feel spacy or detached from reality?”

Joseph: “Not in the slightest. I’m just bored. This theme park is so boring. There are no rides. What’s the theme, breakfast?”

Joseph picks up his fork and swaps it out with an identical fork from his pocket. “My wife Sandra was jealous of my ascended lifestyle. She gone.”

“So what do you do with all your extra free time?”

“As I said, my entire night is open, which allows me to do my science in the garage.”

“What kind of science?”

“You know, just ordinary science. Lots of tubes, lots of fun. I’m doing a Windex and mayo experiment tonight if you want to stop by.” Joseph stands up and immediately sits down.

“Unfortunately, I keep breaking the tubes because I put them in my back pocket and sit on them. If you know anyone with extra tubes or live rats, I’m your guy. By the way, do you hear that high-pitched ringing noise? Wow, my teeth feel really hot, I gotta get the fuck out of here.”

Since our interview yesterday, Joseph has entered a coma. Doctors say he suffered irreversible brain damage. He is remembered by his wife Sandra. If you’re looking to free up some time in your busy schedule, micro-napping may be for you!