It
TW: Death, Blood, Childbirth
i didn’t want another baby.
i didn’t want another mouth to feed, another 18 years to raise, another toddler, another potty trainer.
i didn’t want any more late sleepless nights
i didn’t want another baby
i said it over and over
i cried for hours at a time
i don’t want it. it will mess up my life, it will mess up my future, it will mess up my children’s future
i don’t want another baby.
i didn’t want it
it
i threw up from crying, broke down and crumbled on the floor, and cried and screamed at the universe for letting this happen
i just knew that this was a curse, not a blessing
i didn’t want another baby
The concept, the thought of NOT wanting a child.. my child… made no sense to me
i hated me
But, i didn’t want it
it
When i was having a baby boy, i cried some more
Not only did i not want another baby, but i was going to have a snotty, dirty, wild, loud grubby little boy in my quiet, subdued and organized home
With my daughters, my pregnancies were a breeze and with my youngest daughter, my labor was brilliant
Not this time
i was miserable, i was sick, i was tired, i was annoyed, i was itchy, i was fat, uncomfortable and volatile
i didn’t want a boy, i didn’t want it
it
i was the master of my life
i WORKED hard to create the “world” i lived in.
My life, who i was — it was FiNALLY beginning
i would get to be ME and not just mom.
i did not want leaky breasts and fat hips getting in the way of FiNALLY being able to wear a bikini and running a few miles without wanting to pass out.
Seventeen years after my first baby.. starting OVER again!!
it just didn’t feel right. How could i love another baby? How could i start all over? How could i?
Almost eight months after i cried my first sob i headed to the hospital to have it
it
My labor was brutal, my contractions were killer.. all i wanted was for iT to come out
it
And then he was born.
i hemorrhaged. So badly that blood sprayed the wall behind the doctor and one of the tiles in the ceiling needed to be replaced
My placenta came out like a puzzle piece
i can still hear the splashes of blood on the floor as if someone had turned on a faucet
i remember the sounds of people running, pulling, pushing, and sliding
Hands on my belly, hands inside me, hands squeezing and shaking
Voices… So many voices
Needles full of medicine, whines from machines, chaos
i could hear my heart as if i was standing beside it
- slowing, slowing.
i could see the bassinet where nurses were rubbing the arms and legs of my son
So many people
Fuzzy blurry shapes, muffled voices, slowing
And for the first time..ever … everything was Okay
Everything was warm
i felt no fear, no regret, only peace
i think a part of me knew i was dying
And it was okay
it
For the first time, in the 38 years of my life
i was okay
i was not afraid, angry, cold, sad, or anxious
i remember hearing the nurse say, “You cannot leave, you have to help us, you have to hold your son”
But i didn’t care.
it was finally okay
it was so dark and silent, warm and good
i heard the whine of the machine, heard the wheels as they set the bed for my body to jump as they restarted my heart
Didn’t they know? Didn’t they realize that it was time for me to finally rest?
it was so comfortable, quiet and finally okay
i remember thinking of my daughters. i knew they would be okay
Everything was good
it was time to rest
And then from the darkness, i heard my son cry for the first time
i heard him call for me
MY SON.
in the darkness, he cried out to his mother
i could not leave him to face this world alone
from the darkness i was yanked — rushing back into the light
i HEARD my heart beating on the machine and my son crying
My son
My light.
My light in the darkness
He called to me in the darkness
My light
He loved enough for both of us
This love he gave
It was better than I ever could have imagined
It.
