Fuck the Gentrifiers

What’s the point of moving to a city where you don’t belong if you’re not good in bed? Who let all the ugly people into Oakland? I’m quite ashamed and little bit embarrassed that despite marked economic upturn in this city, somehow every person that belongs to the “Die, Techie Scum!” demographic has turned out to be: So. Fucking. Boring. As in, how can so many people be so not good in bed all at the same time? How can so many people be so badly dressed all at once? Is this a coordinated flash mob of poor taste and premature ejaculations? Come on, people! Where is the decadent sexuality? Where is the hedonistic consumption? Where are all the motherfucking drugs! Maybe you should start a Kickstarter for a scholarship to take a class on the definition of glamour, because apart from me being upset that you’re driving up the cost of absolutely everything in this god damn city, why does it take so much money to make Oakland ugly and boring? I just don’t get it, which is why you should get a subscription to some fashion magazine, and then ditch your misogynistic, missionary mentality on sexuality so that the next time I run into another one of you gentrifiers at the bar, you can at least be easy on the eyes and good in bed. Please!