I’m 35 Years Old. I Have A Spending Addiction. But I’m Still Worth $60,000.

Monthly Money Check-In: August 2017

I had my 35th birthday this month. In the morning, my mom called me, and said one of those harmless mom things that nevertheless got me all upset. Soon I was crying to her on the phone, making her feel bad. We limped through the conversation, and I hung up.

I arrived at Pike Place Market, found a vendor selling adorable handmade mugs. I spent $50 on two, the dopamine of a new purchase surging through my skull. I called my mom back, chipper-voiced, and said, “Hi mom, let’s try again.”

“Happy birthday,” she said.

And I was, indeed, happy.

35 is definite grown-ass woman territory. No disputing it. And I think one of the best gifts you can give your grown-ass self is the acceptance of who you are. You can put bumpers on the sharp corners of your personality without hating yourself for having corners.

My uncle was talking about my late father recently, the tree from which I did not fall far. He said, “One thing he always had was that attitude like, ‘Let’s do it.’ Whatever it was, he was up for it.”

That’s true of me too. I’m always down for adventure. I’m curious, I love to explore, I love to do all the things. I’m a Yes kind of person.

The flip side of being a Yes kind of person is that I don’t like limits. I don’t like budgets. I don’t like constraints. So I do all the things, even when all the things are expensive, or irresponsible, or dangerous. This is just who I am. I forgive myself, and I work with it.

So as much as I get frustrated when I lose my fucking passport and it costs me $200 (this month), I can love myself for being the kind of person who hops off to Italy when she has a free place to stay and finds a $650 ticket.

While I feel like my day-to-day spending is wild, I can take a step back and say hey look at that, you have all your debt paid off and $60,000 as my net worth. I spent my 30th birthday paying off the last of my debt. I’m spending my 35th as the writer I always wanted to be, ever working toward a sustainable good life. My goal is not to get rich. My goal is to keep doing this until my life comes to a close. Being a writer, seeing the world, making my own days around people I enjoy.

I talked with a friend yesterday from The Tech Company I worked at until 2015. We hadn’t talked in a bit, and she was so surprised. “Wow, you’re really doing it,” she said. “You’re doing all the things you used to talk about.”

It often feels like I’m failing slowly, because each month I don’t live within my means. But I’m getting there in the ways it counts most. I’m in it for the long haul.

My grandfather died last year, and his house just sold. I got a gift of $5,000, which erased some of my failure. I paid of almost $2,000 in taxes that I’d failed to save for this year. I paid off a $500 medical bill. I bought presents for all the birthdays from the last month.

I feel like I’m starting with a fresh slate. Can I live within my means this month? Just this month? I made a budget. I’m starting again. 35, woman with a spend addiction but taking the slow and steady wins the race way, living a life that truly I would be happy with, even if I died today.

I’m so comfortable in the label of Spending Addiction. It feels absolutely right. And I feel powerful in owning that, and in the fact that I have not let to lay siege to my most important goals.

Money Check-In

1. How I’m feeling about money this month: I feel pretty ok. Getting $5,000 will do that.
2. Checking account over $500: Yes
3. Biggest expense this month: Back taxes
4. Expected to save this month: $0.
5. Did save this month: $230
6. Saved at least 10% of income: Nope
7. Made a budget for next month and reviewed my bank statement? Yes!
8. Donated to the Fuck This Fund: Yes. I donated $20 to help refugees.
9. Best thing I did for my money last month: Took a windfall and put it toward debts.
10. Most important money task for next month: Keep to the mother effing Money Plan.

I feel better.

Join us on the Facebook group Fuck Off Funders if you need to make your own money confessions or get support.