Suck It Skills: Essential Sidecar to the Fuck Off Fund

March 2016 Check-In

One of the arguments I heard most after the Fuck Off Fund article was: “I can’t afford to save up a Fuck Off Fund. I make minimum wage.” I think we can all agree that minimum wage currently sucks real bad. This issue was discussed in an open letter to the CEO of Yelp by a struggling employee. Medium asked me to respond, so I wrote about Suck It Skills.

If you’re pressed for time, here’s the gist of that article:

1. People are selfish, so no one’s going to give you more money unless they have to.
2. If you want more money, then with the current structure of our society, it’s up to you to hustle for it.
3. Asking for it is not the same as hustling for it.

After I realized all this, mostly during Peace Corps, I realized I needed some Suck It Skills.

Suck It Skills: (n. pl.) Competencies gained for the express purpose of being highly employable, hence providing freedom to tell a person or persons with power over your cash flow to imbibe your proverbial genitalia, as needed.

Both the Fuck Off Fund and Suck It Skills are needed to truly feel the freedom to walk away from a job or anyone else with power over your finances. You have to feel like you have enough money to bridge a gap between jobs, and enough skills to know you’ll get another (hopefully better) gig.

I was pretty worthless as an employee until I learned to educate myself. Here are the skills I gained that were most valuable for increasing my paycheck (and saving up my Fuck Off Fund.)

Suck It Skills Fundamentals: 10 Essentials

These are the best classes on Lynda for general work life. You might think these don’t apply to you if you don’t work in a traditional office environment, but remember — if there’s money involved, you’re in business. Business skills apply.

1. Time Management Fundamentals: Microsoft estimates people waste 40% of their time by not following best practices. Don’t lose two days out of the week dickin’ around without realizing it.
2. Negotiating Your Salary: There are skills to asking for more money. Here are some ways to increase the likelihood you’ll get a “Yes” when you ask.
3. Leading Productive Meetings: You know what people really hate? Terrible meetings. Don’t be the one leading the boring or pointless meetings. Everybody hates that guy.
4. Having Difficult Conversations: You know the person who always increases drama? That person is way less valuable than someone who knows how to mitigate it and move on. This class is about facing drama head-on, like an adult.
5. Business Writing Fundamentals: No one is into 1,000-word emails or trying to sound out what you mean. Learn to communicate in writing to get work done faster and help projects run more smoothly.
6. PowerPoint Tips and Tricks for Business Presentations: I watched this before giving a presentation to my CEO. First thing he said afterward was, “That was a great presentation.” He seemed surprised, I think because so many presentations suck.
7. Outlook Essential Training: There’s a lot more Outlook can do for you. Chances are you aren’t putting it to half the use you could.
8. Word Essential Training: Fighting with Word is never, ever fun. I prefer InDesign for almost anything, but more offices stick with Word. Be the person who knows how to use it and not the one wasting time cussing at it.
9. Excel Essential Training: Excel is perhaps the most valuable program almost no one knows how to use. Someone who really knows Excel is almost immediately job worthy.
10. Leadership Fundamentals: Learn to be a person people listen to and want to follow. These people tend to make more money.

If you studied for 10 minutes a day just 4 days every working week, you could complete this list in a year. I guarantee you’ll feel more empowered regarding your earning ability. It’s a big committment, but you have to ask yourself: How much does your life suck now, and how much do you want it to get better? My life really sucked for a while there, and I’m so glad I don’t feel that panic anymore.

Don’t forget to check if Lynda is offered for free through your school, work or library.

• This is certainly not a catch-all cure for everyone in other realms of privilege, nor is it an argument against raising the minimum wage. It’s just the way I adjusted my middle class, average smarts life to thrive in the existing system.