10 Things that Would Surprise Me More Than Someone Trying To Murder Our President.

This past Friday, May 20th, a man, armed with nothing but his wit and the most cherished symbol of American values (a shoddy gun made in Taiwan), was shot at a White House security checkpoint after ignoring multiple verbal warnings and brandishing the weapon. First and foremost, I must divulge a bit of a secret with you: I’m not surprised. Or to put it in another, less apathetic context: I’ve long since moved past the notion of feeling a sense of dread whenever I hear about a crazed individual, fresh from mainlining incendiary Infowars headlines and vigorous masturbation featuring a jar of vaseline plastered with a picture of Michelle Malkin, trying to kill our president. The sad truth is, that if we were to go through the rest of Obama’s tenure as POTUS without another assassination attempt, my first thought would be that the United States’ collection of would-be-Lee Harvey Oswalds must be catching up on Game of Thrones or something. I mean, why else would they miss their cue like this?

There was always a longstanding joke within the black community (and, I suspect, anyone with at least two neurons capable of dry humping each other) that the first black president would have a rough go of it. Which for the most part has been true, but not to the extent that most people joked/feared. To my knowledge, President Obama is still alive and well, but if we’re totally honest, that fact alone is damn surprising. Not so much “My girlfriend has been siphoning my blood while I’m sleeping to sell on the black market. All so she can buy an expensive ass Tidal subscription and listen to Beyonce’s Lemonade.” surprising, But still surprising nonetheless. It hasn’t been for lack of trying either. In fact, the mentally disturbed/average Trump voter demographic that leans towards participating in murder attempts has formed a supergroup with the Secret Service’s “Incompetence So Widespread And Resounding I’d Feel Better If This Was An Actual Conspiracy” way of handling things. Seeing all of this happen with such alarming consistency can jade even the most optimistic of people. Not saying I was optimistic, that whole “Milli Vanilli Are Frauds” thing back in the nineties kinda knocked that out of me early, but for other people. So, with that introduction, here are 10 things that would surprise me more than another person trying to kill the leader of the free world.

1. Neiman Marcus having a discounted FUBU bin in the middle of all it’s stores.

2. A Cracker Barrel that has potatoes and gravy that doesn’t look like a baby with the Gerber shits left on a plate.

3. That, as a means of decompressing, Hilary Clinton bare knuckle boxes random homeless people under highway overpasses every time she loses a caucus.

4. That Chai Lattes are the product of experimental testing by the government to see if they can program people, on a cellular level, to be predispositioned to attending Josh Groban concerts. (Yes. Yes, they can.)

5.That Taylor Swift is Becky With The Good Hair.

6. That Netflix isn’t responsible for at least 47% of unintended pregnancies in 2015.

7. Rihanna making a song that does not have her saying the actual name of the song 4,385 times throughout every verse.

8. A major motion picture set in Africa that has the bravery to actually feature africans in the actual film about actual Africa.

9. Adam Sandler not being a walking argument as to why it would benefit society to euthanize once-beloved comic actors after their 20th consecutive miscarriage with a soundtrack they call a “movie”.

10. Donald Trump accidentally letting the n-word slip during a live broadcast that didn’t result in 22 point jump in his favorability ratings.

Originally published at fukette.com.