Armed Protestors (Terrorists!) Take Over Government Building. “Why Are They Still Alive”-Wonders Everyone Not Insane.

On Saturday, January 2nd in the year of our Lord 2016, America was gifted with the display of nonviolent protestors exercising their incorruptible constitutional right to peaceful assembly. By using the non-threatening civil disobedience methods popularized by Gandhi, a mutually beneficial accord was reached and everyone proceeded to eat caviar and get hand jobs from the sexiest woman alive: Dame Judy Dench.

Wait, hold on. I think I may have misspelled some things.


In Oregon, a group of armed white men with guns have taken over a federal building. They have made clear threats against any agent of law enforcement that attempts to stop them all the while managing to sound like a redneck Legion of Doom. This Dollar Tree militia is being helmed not by everyone’s favorite racist Pepperidge Farm’s Spokesperson Cliven Bundy, but by his son, Ammon Bundy. Surprisingly, the lynch rope doesn’t fall too far from the tree because Ammon is of the same mindset as his father which is essentially “Ride or Die’. Emphasis on the “Die”.

I hesitate to call this a skirmish. I balk at the notion of even calling this a tiff. I will slap you in the face with someone else’s dick if you call this a standoff. So for the time being, if you’d indulge me, we’re going to call this what it is: fucked sideways. The spectacle this Dollar Tree militia is causing can be referred to as being penetrated, albeit in a sexual manner, to, toward, or from the side. Fucked sideways.

The origins of this chapter of “Perk Up! You’re White” are not exactly epic in its scope or even as interesting as replaying a gif of a cat falling over the stairs for the thousandth time. It essentially boils down to “ yes, I know that I am a citizen of a country that has explicit parameters on how it merits out punitive measures to any inhabitant that breaks its laws or acts against the interest of its people or their safety…but I’m not a darkie, and I have a gun sooooooooo how we gonna do this?”. The fact that these men have taken up arms against their country in the most bizarre fashion at the most irrelevant establishment ( a wildlife reserve, fam? What the fuck you got against zebras and giraffes and shit?) is not surprising.
It’s the fact that they’re still alive.

They know that they can threaten U.S. government employees while simultaneously feeling comfortable purchasing The Force Awakens tickets on Fandango for a showing later that day. They have this sense of inherent survivability because they know that, on the Home Depot color swatch of human races, they are just the RIGHT shade of eggshell white that goes great with the duvet in the bedroom, and I guess as well as maintaining the supremacy of white lives over any other. We have come to this conclusion because we’ve seen exactly the opposite happen in the backwoods and unprogressive time of 2014. In Ferguson, MO to be exact. Where protestors were met with the National Guard invading their communities faster than Paula Deen says the N-word when she sees a box Cream ofWheat. The same the scenario played out in the protests in Baltimore and countless other circumstances when black people were less than subtle about their displeasure with being murdered in the streets by police.

However, all’s quiet on the militia front.

In the sense that no major media outlets are covering them and if they are, not nearly with the same omnipresence and sadistic zeal as they did in Missouri. Some outlets are even leaning into their bias with cursory headlines as evidenced by ABCcalling the protestors “peaceful.”

I don’t know what your interpretation of the word peaceful is, but apparently it is the picture of a white man with an AK-47 Rifle. (I don’t know how to get in contact with the people who print Webster’s Dictionary, so I’m just going to find Emmanuel Lewis and key his car. Same difference)

UPDATE: Tamir Rice is still dead for playing with a toy gun in an open carry state. Just in case you were wondering if anything changed.

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