Events More Likely Than Flint Residents Receiving Clean Water (This Headline Made You Die A Little Inside, Didn’t It?)

As I sit here drinking a cup of water, I reflect on my good fortune for it not even occurring to me to check whether or not it looked anything like the mysterious ooze that gave the Ninja Turtles their powers. Which is unfortunate, because for the residents of Flint, Michigan, who figured this crisis could swing either towards super powers OR super potentially fatal illnesses depending on complications from an already compromised immune system…they may want to put away the cape.

So far there has been ten reported deaths that are a direct result of the lead-infused drinking water that the majority black residents of Flint have been provided since April 2014. You and I have seen these statistics play out with a sense of apprehension because, surely, some heads are about to roll in a most spectacular fashion, right? I mean, there was one time while I was working at the Gap that I folded the cardigans in an asymmetrical pattern instead of A symmetrical pattern and my manager publicly chewed me out as if I took a shit in the middle of the display floor. Indeed, poisoning thousands of people, responding to their concerns with an almost lackadaisical sense of “urgency”, and somehow possessing all the managerial skills of a bowl of room temperature candied yams in regards to organizing a clean water drive for your citizens should warrant a fresh ordered from Amazon, specially wrapped, limited-edition Fuck Outta Here from every single man, woman, and child in Flint.

However, that’s just our opinion. In pursuit of something more definitive, we tasked the daring, eager reporters of with finding out what five things people believe are going happen before the Flint water crisis is resolved. Why, where else would you go to have a situation of such importance treated with the full capacity of journalistic integrity? The Huffington Post? Smells like fresh ass and gravy in their offices.

They’re gross is what I’m saying.

5.Jesus Returns To Earth And Judges Us All Based On What Incognito Tabs We Have Opened On Our Browsers RIGHT NOW!!!

At the beginning of this list is pretty much the premise of the worst nightmare anyone has ever had since the internet made us all barely qualified gynecologists: Someone peeping your internet history and getting a full measure of the ass-to-mouth tinged darkness within you. Whether you live with other people or live alone, I believe you know this particular concern. Now imagine that instead of your mother, wife, or soon to be scarred for life children stumbling across a forgotten tab labeled Fist Me Baby One More Time: The Legend of Britney Rears, it’s the Lamb of God. The Son of David in all his purity and righteousness now knows that you prefer Strawberry Smuckers Preservatives in the assholes of the women you watch online cause the sound it produces is pleasing to your ears. The Arm of The Lord can see with a horrid acuity that the split screen on your computer features two tabs: one is SpongeBob cosplay porn, and the other is a baked ziti recipe from What isn’t clear is which tab you were masturbating to. Lastly, The Author and Finisher of Our Faith has observed that you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, have signed up for email notifications about news and events from Honestly, fam? You couldn’t be bothered to attend church service at all for the last 32 years, but you’re desperate for info about updates to the site’s JavaScript or whether or not they added a channel solely dedicated vaginas that look like Crispin Glover?

He died for your sins! Not for you to have a wastebasket overflowing with used Kleenex and empty Jergens bottles!

4. Donald Trump Looks A Mexican-American In The Eyes Of His Own Volition And Without Bursting Into Flames (As Dictated By The Prophecy of Douche: Book of Trump)

It is with no small amount of amazement that we put this at our no.4 entry. Or the fact that we’re even listing it as an entry at all. Though, however unlikely, people believe that they will sooner see Donald Trump willingly shake hand with an individual of Hispanic descent without making an uncomfortable face afterward…

…and also without bursting into flames as foretold by The Prophecy of Jim, Legend of Crow.

For whatever reason, even the most politically illiterate layman knows of a supposedly ancient scroll that details the spectacular rise of a fascistic, wax-like, homunculus that appeals to the base nature of those who deny their racism with the porous argument of “my best friend’s sister’s pharmacist is mex-eee-cahn. So I can’t be racist you queso-fundido,bitch!!!”

3. Young Thug Realizes That He’s Wasting Our Time in Addition To Every Second Of His Life Every Time He Speaks Into A Microphone

If he doesn’t come to this conclusion organically then we, as people of moral conscious, must do what we can to knock reality into him like Joe Jackson whenever Micheal sang off key. I will not abide another garbage mixtape sprinkled within my favorite radio stations like some sort of Jack In the Box that gives you IBS in addition to crippling anxiety.

2.George R.R. Martin Stops Treating His Readership Like A Deadbeat Dad Treats Unpaid Child Support

It is safe to say that Ol’ Georgie boy is approaching Dr.Dre Presents: Detox levels of procrastination when it comes to giving his adoring fans what they so viciously crave. What are you doing with your time Martin!?! We see you chatting up all the porn stars that are hired for the production, Martin! You have time to catch gonorrhea three times from the same extra on set, but you can’t finish a book you’ve spent five years dicking us around over, Martin?

Stop ducking us, man! Some of us have debilitating student loans and the social skills of a syphilitic parrot. WE NEED THIS!!!

1. Republicans And Other Various Critics Finally Give Obama The Long Overdue Credit He’s Due

We’ve already conducted an exposé examining the various reasons why some people are adamantly against acknowledging the correlation between the economic, political, and civil advancements of the current administration. It would seem that Obama’s critics are determined to be as intractable as possible in their resolve to belittle every prospect or accomplishment this man’s name is linked to that there are entire forums dedicated to dissecting the mentality behind it. Pointless examination aside, one has to wonder what is taken away when you allow yourself to accept even the barest of achievements of someone you loathe. I will be the first to admit that one of the few bright spots in Nixon’s administration was him opening up trade with China or that I would fuck with some of Drake’s song even though he looks and sings like a beige llama left in the oven too long at 425 degrees. There is some liberation to be had once you allow yourself to recognize what is so readily visible to anyone with two eyes and an internet connection capable of filtering partisan bullshit. Although, now that I think about it…this one is the most unbelievable.

Originally published at

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