How To Get Over A Soon-To-Be Ex Boyfriend.

I understand that these situations can be difficult to get away from. You’ve shared so much and in many ways, this person was your first for a lot of things. I mean, let’s face it: His oral skills were beyond measure when it came to giving the younger electorate the enormous satisfaction of believing in a candidate that sees them as constituents instead of high-interest credit cards. He’s deeply penetrated the closed circle of Washington elite politics with a firm yet supple tenderness and focus that belies his age. Or maybe it’s indicative of his extensive experience at listening to the needs and wants of an unfulfilled class of people as well as just which side of history needs his knowing touch.

His “O” face is like physical poetry rendered through a lens of raw sexuality…and Democratic Socialism. Can’t forget that.

Whew, somebody give me a towel and at least 10 minutes in an empty room to compose myself. I’m suddenly worked up and sweating through my khakis here.

Anyways, as pleasurable as it is to watch your man command the ears of 30,000+ people per speech, it’s time that we realize that he’s not a viable option moving forward. If we’re honest, we can tell ourselves that we’ve always known this, and we’re merely in denial because this one sexy Jewish man that can make us all Challah (bread) back. Unfortunately, if raw communicative prowess could sustain bids for the presidency, then the phrase Former President Al Gore would be a serious statement as opposed to the setup for a shitty joke about Earth Day and the fallibility of our Electoral College voting system.

I don’t mean to say that you’re forced to accept a cold, sexless relationship to that manipulative cutthroat in the pants suit your parents are trying to hook you up with, but you do have to make a decision regarding your future. And the sooner, the better. Rumor has it that’s there’s a sentient pumpkin dick vying to position himself in your life by leveraging bigoted rhetoric against the not so open-minded elders in your life, and they’re eating it up like nigger-flavored ambrosia.

While your septuagenarian boy toy may have many great ideas on how our system of government could be repaired at the benefit of youths who will inherit the mess of their predecessors, conventional knowledge says that our best shot lies with that Decepticon in the pantsuit as mentioned earlier. I understand it may not be a pill as easy to swallow as Pantsuit hopes their bullshit is, but it may be the only thing that saves our love-life from becoming an orange-tinted dystopia where the only form of currency is rotted Trump Steaks.

Also, where wannabe authoritarians try and engage in Lannister-esque incestual relations. That shit is barely watchable even WITH kick-ass dragons in the background and, you sir, have no dragons.

Let me suggest the alternative of holding Pantsuit to their ever-changing rhetoric. Especially the speech that more than resembles the same talking points our doomed Casanova With Cataracts’ campaign has been making. I say this because it seems like a “borrowing of ideals” is being adopted here and if Pantsuit plans to progress without a small scale revolution, then they would do well to stick to their words. Basically, what I’m saying is that if you’re denied the opportunity to physically FEEL the Bern then at least you’ll have the chance to HEAR the Bern in Pantsuit’s behavior and language.

To keep from getting hurt again, you may have to build a wall around your heart. I have an idea on who’ll be paying for it.

I know it’s hard, but remember what they say: It’s better to have loved and lost than to have been roped into an incompetent, xenophobic, administration that seeks to undue all economic and social progress made throughout the last century.


Originally published at fukette.com.

Like what you read? Give Jeremiah Timmons a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.