I’d Forsake My Morals Just To Watch Chris Brown Get Hit With Hot Oatmeal.

I believe, with all the conviction and passion afforded me throughout my lifetime, that one’s morals should be held close.. Whether or not it’s, at its core, altruistic or something that would have been better left behind in an antiquated era. If you do not possess some sort of principled compass by which you navigate your life then, by my estimate, you are truly a lost soul. That being said, I will have no compunctions about renouncing each and every one of my values if that meant I got to watch Chris Brown have a bowl of hot oatmeal thrown in his face.

Hopefully, Dear Reader, none of this comes as a shock to you. Not because of any personal connection to myself that you may have where you could say “Oh, classic Jeremiah! He would say some Bananarama shit like that.” No, not even close. Would the average person, knowing of Chris Brown and the nefarious activities/ his unrelenting fuckboi regimen of behavior, not want to put a halt to their day just long enough to see some Quaker Oats fuck his life up? I don’t really care what errands, obligations, PTA meetings, or bat mitzvahs you have planned that day. That is the day you let your phone calls go to voicemail as you sit back and watch the mercy of God herself on display.

With the stakes so high, hopefully you, Dear Reader, will understand how I will be okay with publicly lying about my love for Taylor Swift songs. Negating to mention the fact that her music is the melodic equivalent of the Nuremberg Trials as far as my ears are concerned. I will steel my hands as I lift cauliflower from whatever Devil’s Chalice is housing it to. my. own. mouth. I will canvass from house to house, singing the praises of Fox’s hit tv show Empire, hallowed be thy name, to every available pair of ears that I can. I will purposefully fail to mention how each season of that show completely nullifies 1/3rd of the civil rights movement and fundamentally erases all measurable influence of the seminal Outkast album, ATLiens just by Hakeem’s sheer absurdity.

All this, just to hear the first reverberations of the scream that escapes his throat once he realizes those oats are hot of the pot. It’s Oat Time in America, people. Do you know where your priorities are?

Originally published at fukette.com.

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