Jaden and Willow Smith Are Osama Bin Laden

Okay, right off the bat I’m gooing to apologize for making such an inflammatory headline. Or, more accurately, the dude I met while standing in line at CookOut (boasting about how he’s seen every episode of Law and Order. SVU and otherwise) advised that I say something to mitigate a legal beatdown. I mean, look at each word within that beautiful example of actionable slander up there. It doesn’t make any sense. It looks someone took a Groupon for a joint deal on Red Bull and Lithium then transcribed it into written form. Willow and Jaden Smith are hardly the public faces/confirmed architect of the single worst terrorist attack on American soil since Wilson Phillips (and maybe 9/11. I don’t know. I have to check Wikipedia, so we’ll put a pin in that one.) Also, I’m fairly convinced that Osama Bin Laden got GOT some time ago. I say this not by researching the documented evidence provided by our government, but by watching and then fervently rewatching the Presidential Address footage the night he made the announcement of Osama’s discovery and subsequent…extrajudicial response. That presidential address showed our president walking up to the podium with the swagger of a man who either just received neck for 45 minutes to completion or directly oversaw the ground operation to eliminate an internationally wanted terrorist and a key member of a fringe, far-right religious extremist group. In those first few minutes, you honestly couldn’t tell. The nigga just looked so fresh and loose. Like he was dipped in butter and had made post speech plans to drag his nuts across all of Mitch McConnell’s tv remotes as per his weekly tradition.

But I digress.

Jaden Smith is not Osama bin Laden. And neither is Willow, but then again, since ‘Whip My Hair” I’ve been convinced that this chick’s entire existence is theoretical.

But…just to play Devil’s Advocate. Let’s pretend that they are. And keep in mind, I’m under no illusions that I’m saying anything remotely based in fact, or even, dare I say, reality. It wouldn’t even be a stretch to say that everything that follows and the entire concept of factual statements might as well be Ty Dolla $ign’s name mentioned within the liner notes of an album that wasn’t FDA certified, House, and Senate approved garbage with a capital TRASH. They are diametric opposites that never have, never will, and never should come into contact with one another in a just world.

Still, though…

Willow and Jaden Smith seemed to have developed a penchant for saying shit that, used to be, you would only hear in high school from niggas that spent all day watching The Matrix and furiously masturbating when Trinity does the Chun-Li jump kick. (Looking like a sexy mashup between the sci-fi depictions of the furutre and a SoulCycle instructor.)

To Wit:

““I mean, time for me, I can make it go slow or fast, however I please, and that’s how I know it doesn’t exist.””

— Willow Smith on Time

““Caring less what everybody else thinks, but also caring less and less about what your own mind thinks, because what your own mind thinks, sometimes, is the thing that makes you sad.””

— Willow Smith on Optimism

““When one thought goes into your mind, it’s not just one thought, it has to bounce off both hemispheres of the brain. When you’re thinking about something happy, you’re thinking about something sad. When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple.””

— Jaden Smith on…(?)

Now, like most people, you just assumed that Will and Jada habitually left uncovered bleach jugs around Willow and Jaden when they were infants as they set off to make increasingly disappointing film projects. However, what if the real aim of this illiterate alphabet soup of a conversation is to gaslight the American public. Twisting what we think we know until it’s unrecognizable, thus amenable to being easily molded by their malevolent hands. To make us believe that our grasp on the notion of time is about as firm as an asshole at Wolf Blitzer’s fuck mansion. ( Look at his beard and then find it within yourself to tell me that his house doesn’t absolutely reek of fucked buttholes. And yes, I mean every room. Including the sewing room.)

“Okay,” you might say. “While that previous paragraph is less reliable than a Fisher-Price Pregnancy Test, do you have any more evidence to validate it?”

“Of course not!” I’d sexily reply. “But it’s not going to stop me one bit from saying random shit. So gimme my damn croissant and lemme finish” (Editor’s Note- here’s where you hand me my damn croissant.)

We Need To Stop Teaching The Youth About The Past And Encourage Them To Change The Future.
— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) October 10, 2013

See this shit? No, don’t look at me when you answer. I dare you to make solid eye contact with that tweet for 15 seconds and then speak to me as if you didn’t just acquire a quirky new learning disability for your efforts. This is someone waging a subtle yet covert operation to erase our sense of history. For us to dismiss from our collective mind our past and how it ties to our present. Particularly in regards to ISIS, Al Qaeda, 9/11, and, lest we forget, Wilson Phillips. (Nothing will stop me from getting drone strikes authorized for use on Carnie Wilson. Nothing.) The United States should stand up for attendance when the when the teacher gives the “Inadvertent Architects Of Terrorist Organizations” roll call. Why would someone insist that we eliminate all recollection of this if not to set that entire menagerie of moist taints we called twentieth-century foreign policy in motion again.

If Newborn Babies Could Speak They Would Be The Most Intelligent Beings On Planet Earth.
— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) September 12, 2013

If newborn babies could speak they would, much like grown men and enlightened lesbians, be very interested in dem titties and where they at. I’m almost thirty, and I have nothing of substance to add to any conversation that doesn’t revolve around comic books and how to ruin a first date so badly that women feel compelled to erase their Tinder profile. That’s my bag, and I’m a grown ass man. I Imagine whatever Gerber Presents Green Poop-related nonsense is floating around their brain can’t be any better.

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) August 7, 2013

It means that Barnes and Noble overestimated their ability to peddle another series in a long line of “Emo Teen Just Can’t Even.” It’s okay, I just go there for the free reading and to listen to customers complain about homeless people jerkin it in the stalls. (I live a productive life.)

Hopefully, I’ve at least thrown some conspiracy-laden Fugazi into the ether as far as establishing the younger Smiths’ connection with the face of deliberate and purposeful evil. Maybe enough to warrant some mention on an Illuminati message board or, bare minimum, to have someone in the background of all their interviews interrupt their statements with shouts of “WORLDSTAR!!”. If this does not happen then, I don’t know what to believe in anymore.

Originally published at fukette.com.

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