Lifehacks On Living The Best Life (And Being Dumb As All Fuck)

Today, I was on the verge of tears when I realized that I had eaten the last of the Honey Maid Cinnamon Graham Crackers a few days ago. I was close to tears a few minutes later, but now out of relief, when I saw that my cat, Catty Mayonnaise, had stolen a pack and hidden it behind her litter box. Before you ask, I have no regrets about consuming the crackers because one, it was packaged and safe from all the kitty poop, and secondly, it was fucking Honey Maid. I’m not about to toss that shit aside because it spent an indeterminable amount of time next to what was, essentially, someone’s toilet. This anecdote illustrates that what I lack in personal standards, I more than make up for in self-awareness. And right now my spidey sense is telling me that I might be dumb as all fuck.

That’s no hyperbole. I literally mean all of the fucks in existence.

It doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy life, though. Quite the contrary, my mental deficiency means I can walk through each day unencumbered with existential neurosis or the troubles of the world around me. My concerns are exclusively limited to food, fucking, and getting caught up on past episodes of Criminal Minds. Anything outside of that tends to get relegated to the “Fuck All” file cabinet gathering dust in my head and stay there. Being the benevolent man I am thugh, I figure why should I be the only one to enjoy an existence of simple pleasures like “My fork is cold. Should I warm it up in this electrical outlet?” or “Condoms? No thank you; I’d rather live in a townhouse.” So here’s my extensively researched guide on how to live the best life with an IQ that can be measured with Legos:

1. People that tell you to wipe your ass after every bowel movement are all liars. Work smarter not harder. All you need is a generous spritzing of Axe Body Spray and a nonchalant demeanor that says “No, my asshole does not feel like the surface of a thousand burning suns.”

2. Police cannot legally arrest you if you loudly sing Bad and Boujee while they read you your Miranda Rights. (To be honest, if they fail with the Miranda Rights, I’m not sure what to do if they decide to pivot to either the Carrie, Samantha, or Charlotte Rights.)

3. Nigerian Royalty Requesting Your Personal Financial Information + You Refusing Said Request = Racism

4. If your going to make mobile versions of porn sites then maybe you shouldn’t act so self-righteous when you see someone masturbating on public transportation.

5. Property Brothers. I fucks with this show.

6. Instead of wasting money on flavored/obnoxiously scented condoms, save yourself some time and just purchase a 3 Musketeers bar (preferably mint flavor, but that’s just my opinion.) and repurpose the wrapper. It’s a level of recycling most people never think of so, yeah, you’re welcome.

7. Sitting motionless in a windowless van while parked outside of an elementary school is only frowned upon if the van appears unfriendly to the children. Try placing kid-friendly decals on the vehicle like “free candy,” “delicious ice-cream,” or “snitches get stitches.”

8. That cute girl you were chatting with while waiting in line at the coffee shop just gave you her number so, obviously, now’s a great time for an unsolicited dick pic.

9. I don’t care if she loves you unconditionally and provides you with invaluable companionship. If she doesn’t get down with Lil Uzi Vert, then tell that trick to kick rocks.

10. Sure you COULD go to a doctor to see about that growth on your genitals OR, and listen to me here, you could just pretend it’s not there and keep it moving. I mean, it’s the same strategy I use when someone farts around me and, what do you know, soon enough the smell disappears completely. Foolproof.

11. Stay away from ingesting too much water. Fish shit in it.

12. Guns don’t kill people. People who want to kill people with frightening efficiency kill people…with the use of guns.

13. Watching porn is a great way to learn what is typically expected during sex. Rubbing the vagina like a coked out DJ, liberal use of spit, seemingly uncomfortable instances of reverse cowgirl, and, of course, matching the 15 minutes of fellatio she gave you with 30 seconds of half-hearted oral reciprocation is all that normal people do. Anything else will just result in your partner silently judging your abilities and, by extension, your worth as a person.

14. Don’t be a follower. Break away from the pack and do something remarkably original at least once in your lifetime. Get a Boost Mobile phone.

15. Is flame retarded offensive to both the mentally handicapped and gay people? If so, then I think a sternly worded the Hanes underwear department is in order.